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Some people think that the support of celebrities for international aid organisations draw attention to their causes while others think celebrity support makes their causes seem less important. Discuss both views and give you opinion. v.1

Some people think that the support of celebrities for international aid organisations draw attention to their causes while others think celebrity support makes their causes seem less important. v. 1
With the pace of the advancement of technology, celebrities also appear on the new social media such as Instagram, Facebook and Twitter, instead of in the front of the television screen. As we know that celebrities are always highly concerned and realised their lifestyle, which is the information that recorded by the journalists. Nowadays, some people think that celebrities can raise attention due to the support of international aid organisations while others argue that this is less essential for their careers. Hence, it is interesting for us to discuss the reasons of this trend. First of all, celebrities have huge influence that can affect the public in this day and age. It is because the action of encouraging international aid activities has not only enhanced the reputation of celebrities, but also aim for their careers as they leave a good impression to the public. In addition, because of the increase in the amount of fans, some businessmen deem that cooperate with the celebrities is a profitable business as the celebrities will upload trend online which is related to the commerce. Apparently, supporting the aid organisations can raise the familiarity in the public consciousness and contribute to the career. From another perspective, some people say that it is not good for the celebrities' causes, in public just remember the good deeds they did and neglect their actual identity. It is undeniable that engaging with the aid organisations in the long term, public will mistake celebrities for retirement from show business, so that the public do not pay attention to themselves. Because of the celebrities who are busy at work have not the time to interact and contact with their fans, they will find other idols to pursue them. In conclusion, I support that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages as the celebrities who have do the aid activities just can maintain their good images.
With the pace of the advancement of technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
also
appear on the new social media such as Instagram, Facebook and Twitter,
instead
of in the front of the television screen. As we know that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are always
highly
concerned and
Possible spelling mistake. 'realised' is British English.
realised
their lifestyle, which is the information that recorded by the journalists. Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can raise attention due to the support of international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aid
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
while others argue that this is less essential for their careers.
Hence
, it is interesting for us to discuss the reasons of this trend.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
have huge influence that can affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
in this day and age. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the action of encouraging international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aid
activities has not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
enhanced the reputation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
aim for their careers as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
impression to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the increase in the amount of fans,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
businessmen deem that cooperate with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
is a profitable business as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
will upload trend online which
is related
to the commerce.
Apparently
, supporting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aid
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
can raise the familiarity in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
consciousness and contribute to the career.

From another perspective,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that it is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
for the celebrities' causes, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
remember the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
deeds they did and neglect their actual identity. It is undeniable that engaging with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aid
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
in the long term,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
will mistake
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
for retirement from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
business,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
do not pay attention to themselves.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
who are busy at work have not the time to interact and contact with their fans, they will find other idols to pursue them.

In conclusion
, I support that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
who have
Use past participle here: "done".
do
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aid
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
can maintain their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
images.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the support of celebrities for international aid organisations draw attention to their causes while others think celebrity support makes their causes seem less important. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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