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Essay 5: Some people believe that famous people’s support towards international aid organisations draw attention to problems and contribute significantly for their achievements. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Essay 5: Some people believe that famous people’s support towards international aid organisations draw attention to problems and contribute significantly for their achievements. v. 1
In numerous countries, people are more likely to suffer from various health issues due to their unhealthy lifestyle. It seems to me that unawareness of severity and negative influence of advanced technology are the causes of this issue and we can improve the level of our health education as a particular solution to tackle the problem. There are a number of reasons why individuals choose to live unhealthily. First of all, I reckon that it apparently originates from the appearance of high-tech devices. This causes laziness and leads a sedentary lifestyle in most people, especially teenagers. They waste too many hours in engaging in “screen time” activities instead of getting involved in outdoor activities and thus easier to become more indolent as well as to get some diseases such as back pain, nerve damage, short-sightedness and depression. The second reason is that some people have no prevention of unhealthy eating habits. For instance, they continuously consume an excessive amount of fast-food and fat-food. Consequently, they have a higher risk of serious illnesses such as obesity and diabetes. However, there is a certain method in resolving this health issue such as increasing public consciousness of a healthy lifestyle. Firstly, this can be done by controlling our time budget when using modern technology devices and finding time to participate in physical activities. For example, we could either go to the gyms or simply take regular exercises at home as long as these activities are suitable for ourselves. The second solution would be to raise public awareness of proper health education, such as encouraging people to make healthier food choices and advising them to enjoy homemade food instead of eating outside. We should give priority to organic food as well as nutritious food for our daily meals and spend time cooking at home. In conclusion, there are some reasons why people have a choice of living unhealthily and some effective solutions should be offered for each individual to lead a healthy lifestyle.
In numerous countries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more likely to suffer from various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues due to their unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
. It seems to me that unawareness of severity and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence of advanced technology are the causes of this
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
issue and
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the level of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
education as a particular solution to tackle the problem.

There are a number of reasons why individuals choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
unhealthily
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I reckon that it
apparently
originates from the appearance of high-tech devices. This causes laziness and leads a sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
in most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. They waste too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours
Adverb repetition. Please, verify.
in engaging in
“screen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time”
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
instead
of getting involved in outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and
thus
easier to become more indolent
as well
as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
diseases such as back pain, nerve damage,
Possible spelling mistake found.
short-sightedness
and depression. The second reason is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have no prevention of unhealthy eating habits.
For instance
, they
continuously
consume an excessive amount of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
-food.
Consequently
, they have a higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of serious illnesses such as obesity and diabetes.

However
, there is a certain method in resolving this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issue such as increasing public consciousness of a healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
.
Firstly
, this can
be done
by controlling our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
budget when using modern technology devices and finding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to participate in physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
For example
, we could either go to the gyms or
simply
take regular exercises at home as long as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are suitable for ourselves. The second solution would be to raise public awareness of proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
education, such as encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
healthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
choices and advising them to enjoy homemade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
instead
of eating outside. We should give priority to organic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
as well
as nutritious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for our daily meals and spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
cooking at home.

In conclusion
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a choice of living
unhealthily
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
effective solutions should
be offered
for each individual to lead a healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Essay 5: Some people believe that famous people’s support towards international aid organisations draw attention to problems and contribute significantly for their achievements. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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