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Some people think that the Olympics is no longer important in the 21st century. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think that the Olympics is no longer important in the 21st century. v. 2
It is often argued that the Olympics has lost its importance. I completely agree with this view as I think it is a waste of money which could be used more wisely. Moreover, in my opinion, countries should not compete with each other anymore as it raises aggression and racism. Firstly, the money spent on organising events such as the Olympics should be spent in areas which are more meaningful and useful for society. For events like this, huge amounts of public money are spent by building stadiums, hotels and other equipment. Meanwhile, the healthcare system is about to collapse in many countries. Moreover, people are dying of hunger and diseases every day, while we are competing with each other, having fun. Then after the Olympics, we leave these buildings behind, never using them again. For example, a couple of years ago, Brazil organised the Olympics, and a study showed that sports stadiums are not being used for anything at the moment. Therefore, it was a waste of money to build them for only one event. Secondly, I strongly believe that nations should never compete against each other. This whole ’who is the best’ attitude is extremely toxic and does not lead to equality. In addition, one country should not think that they are better than others, not even after the Olympics. Instead of aggression and hidden racism, we should treat each other with respect and organise events which connect us. For instance, there is evidence that after sports competitions such as rugby or football, fights are 50 per cent more common than after any other events. To conclude, the Olympics is not useful at all since it is too expensive and this money is needed in other areas. In addition, it leads to hate and unnecessary aggression which are not those kinds of things we need in the 21st century.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the Olympics has lost its importance. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view as I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
more
wisely
.
Moreover
, in my opinion, countries should not compete with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
anymore as it raises aggression and racism.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
spent on
Possible spelling mistake. 'organising' is British English.
organising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as the Olympics should
be spent
in areas which are more meaningful and useful for society. For
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
like this, huge amounts of public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
are spent
by building stadiums, hotels and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
equipment. Meanwhile, the healthcare system is about to collapse in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are dying of hunger and diseases every day, while we are competing with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
, having fun. Then after the Olympics, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
these buildings behind, never using them again.
For example
, a couple of years ago, Brazil
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
the Olympics, and a study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that sports stadiums are not being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for anything at the moment.
Therefore
, it was a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to build them for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
.

Secondly
, I
strongly
believe that nations should never compete against each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. This whole ’who is the best’ attitude is
extremely
toxic and does not lead to equality.
In addition
, one country should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they are better than others, not even after the Olympics.
Instead
of aggression and hidden racism, we should treat each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
with respect and
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
which connect us.
For instance
, there is evidence that after sports competitions such as rugby or football, fights are 50 per cent more common than after any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

To conclude
, the Olympics is not useful at all since it is too expensive and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is needed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
areas.
In addition
, it leads to hate and unnecessary aggression which are not those kinds of things we need in the 21st century.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the Olympics is no longer important in the 21st century. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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