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Some people think that THE MAIN PURPOSE of SCHOOL is to turn children to good citizens and workers, rather than benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that THE MAIN PURPOSE of SCHOOL is to turn children to good citizens and workers, rather than benefit them as individuals. v. 1
It is an undeniable fact that school education plays a significant role in establishing a child's bright career and character. While some people assert that the primary aim of this should be transforming students into responsible citizens and dedicated workers instead of focusing individual's talent and behaviour, I completely disagree with this notion. To begin with, there are a number of reasons to support my view that concentrating on unique talents and characters of different students is quintessential. First and foremost is that monitoring and understanding the individuality of every child help to discover their personality, which, in turn, transform them into responsible citizens. This is because each child is blessed with a varied behaviour some can be short-tempered and some can be patient, some conserved and some friendly, therefore, it is necessary to look after every trait and educate them accordingly in order to make them capable to deal with the society. For instance, in the USA, students in Kindergarten are assigned by teachers according to their behavioural aspect in order to understand them completely and to help them to become a mature person. Secondly, my opinion is further bolstered by the factor that a focus on an individual's skill and talent is essential to provide them with a bright career. The reason for this is opting a profession of one's own interest usually lead to success and satisfaction as complete dedication and passion are generally involved in this. For example, with reference to the statistics of 'The Time', 70% of the successful people in the world are the ones who followed their innate talents. In contrast, if the purpose of teaching will only involve turning students to qualified doctors, engineers and bankers, then their inner skills will gradually vanish. In conclusion, although academic education aims at nurturing the children with good manners and moulding them to skilled professionals, in my perspective, focusing on the characters and skills of every student not only help to discover their unique personality but also tread their paths to successful careers.
It is an undeniable fact that school education plays a significant role in establishing a child's bright career and character. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assert that the primary aim of this should be transforming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
into responsible citizens and dedicated workers
instead
of focusing individual's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talent
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, I completely disagree with this notion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are a number of reasons to support my view that concentrating on unique
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talents
and characters of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is quintessential.
First
and foremost is that monitoring and understanding the individuality of every child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to discover their personality, which, in turn, transform them into responsible citizens. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
each child
is blessed
with a varied
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
can be short-tempered and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
can be patient,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
conserved and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
friendly,
therefore
, it is necessary to look after every trait and educate them
accordingly
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them capable to deal with the society.
For instance
, in the USA,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in Kindergarten
are assigned
by teachers according to their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
aspect in order to understand them completely and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to become a mature person.

Secondly
, my opinion is
further
bolstered by the factor that a focus on an individual's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talent
is essential to provide them with a bright career.
The reason for this is
opting a profession of one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
interest
usually
lead to success and satisfaction as complete dedication and passion are
generally
involved in this.
For example
, with reference to the statistics of 'The Time', 70% of the successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the world are the ones who followed their innate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talents
.
In contrast
, if the purpose of teaching will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
involve turning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to qualified doctors, engineers and bankers, then their inner
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
will
gradually
vanish.

In conclusion
, although academic education aims at nurturing the children with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
manners and
Possible spelling mistake. 'moulding' is British English.
moulding
them to skilled professionals, in my perspective, focusing on the characters and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to discover their unique personality
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
tread their paths to successful careers.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that THE MAIN PURPOSE of SCHOOL is to turn children to good citizens and workers, rather than benefit them as individuals. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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