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Some people think that the main purpose of school is to turn children to good citizens and workers, rather than benefit them as individuals. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think that the main purpose of school is to turn children to good citizens and workers, rather than benefit them as individuals. v. 2
It is obvious that an increasing number of people have realized the importance of education, while the main aim of education has sparked massive debates. Some people argue that schools should put more emphasis on turning younger generation into qualified citizens and workers, rather than focusing on their own benefits. From my own perspective, I agree that the main purpose of education is supposed to be cultivating qualified community members. It is acknowledged that in most countries, governments spend a large amount of expenditure on public education every year. From governments’ perspective, qualified citizens are the key to a prosperous and stable society. By providing education, children will be equipped with all the essential knowledge to preparing them for the adult society in the future. They learn academic knowledge in order to secure employment and make a living after graduation; they will be taught to moral value and laws so as to know how to behave properly. As a result, these well-educated and law-abiding citizens can make positively contribution to society. As for individuals, they also benefit from “good citizenship education”. At school, children can receive knowledge systematically. Teachers in schools are well-trained to provide students with knowledge and guidance. Through school education, children can be prepared for their future life. In addition, characters of being a qualified citizen such as honesty, hard-working and disciplined can help them to gain credit in every aspect in their life. In conclusion, schools should aim atcultivating children to become qualified society members, but individuals will also benefit from school education.
It is obvious that an increasing number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have realized the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, while the main aim of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has sparked massive debates.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should put more emphasis on turning younger generation into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
and workers,
rather
than focusing on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits. From my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perspective, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the main purpose of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is supposed
to be cultivating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
community members.

It
is acknowledged
that in most countries,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
spend a large amount of expenditure on public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
every year. From
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
’ perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
are the key to a prosperous and stable society. By providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
be equipped
with all the essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
to preparing them for the adult society in the future. They learn academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
in order to secure employment and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living after graduation; they will
be taught
to moral value and laws
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
know how to behave
properly
.
As a result
, these well-educated and law-abiding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
positively
contribution to society.

As for individuals, they
also
benefit from “
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizenship
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education”
. At
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
systematically
. Teachers in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are well-trained to provide students with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
and guidance. Through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be prepared
for their future life.
In addition
, characters of being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizen
such as honesty,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working and disciplined can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to gain credit in every aspect in their life.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should aim
Possible spelling mistake found.
atcultivating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
society members,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
individuals will
also
benefit from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the main purpose of school is to turn children to good citizens and workers, rather than benefit them as individuals. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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