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Some people think that the government should increase spending on defense, but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree? v.2

Some people think that the government should increase spending on defense, but spend less on social benefits. v. 2
Defense system plays an important role in public, because it protects human right. Therefore, some politicians think that more of the budget should be allocated to it, but less to the advantages of society. This essay disagrees with their opinion. Let us start with reasons why some politicians argue that the public authority should spend more of the budget on military regardless of public benefits. The first reason is that it ensures safety. Many people complain that the crime rate has increased lately, so the government should hire more police officers to secure the order of law. Another reason is that it can give the ability to stop any attempt of external invasion. Governments should satisfy military needs, including purchase of tanks and planes as well as support an enough number of soldiers to repel any attack, shostile neighbors may cross the border and invade. Furthermore, it allows the government to sell weapons. Funding military needs can also provide another source of financing the budget, because many countries are willing to buy different types of weapon abroad. However, some sociologists believe that the government should focus more on the demands of society than on those of military. They justify their opinion with the following arguments. Firstly, it enables to open more workplaces. The government should concentrate on the economy rather than on the army, as many people face unemployment and seek jobs to support their families. Secondly, it secures the provision of better health care. The money spent on weapons could go to bring the condition of hospitals to the world standards. In addition, it lets to improve the quality of education. The government could both build more schools and recruit more teachers, so that they can supply labor market with high-qualified graduates. In conclusion, even though some politicians state that the authorities should give more money to protection at the expense of public programs, I think that social needs are a higher priority.
Defense system plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it protects human right.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
politicians
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that more of the budget should
be allocated
to it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
less to the advantages of society. This essay disagrees with their opinion.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
politicians argue that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
authority should spend more of the budget on military regardless of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
benefits. The
first
reason is that it ensures safety.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
complain that the crime rate has increased lately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should hire more police officers to secure the order of law. Another reason is that it can give the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
any attempt of external invasion.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Governments
should satisfy military needs, including
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
of tanks and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
planes
as well
as support an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
number of soldiers to repel any attack,
Possible spelling mistake found.
shostile
neighbors may cross the border and invade.
Furthermore
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to sell weapons. Funding military needs can
also
provide another source of financing the budget,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries are willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of weapon abroad.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sociologists believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should focus more on the demands of society than on those of military. They justify their opinion with the following arguments.
Firstly
, it enables to open more workplaces. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should concentrate on the economy
rather
than on the army, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
face unemployment and seek jobs to support their families.
Secondly
, it secures the provision of better health care. The money spent on weapons could go to bring the condition of hospitals to the world standards.
In addition
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lets
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the quality of education. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could both build more schools and recruit more teachers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can supply labor market with high-qualified graduates.

In conclusion
,
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
politicians state that the authorities should give more money to protection at the expense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
programs, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that social needs are a higher priority.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some people think that the government should increase spending on defense, but spend less on social benefits. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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