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A government has a responsibility to the citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree? v.1

A government has a responsibility to the citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. v. 1
In every country, protecting the people at all times from external aggression is paramount to the sovereignty of the government. Therefore, many people argue that resources should be used in consolidating defensive measures other than in improving the quality of life. In my opinion, although spending on defense is imperative, citizens should not be deprived of the benefits of social schemes which are equally important for the people. On the one hand, in an unpredictable era, defending and assuring the safety of its citizens is the prime responsibility of any government. Nowadays, not only do threats of violence occur between two different nations but they can arise at any time within a state, for example terrorism and rebellions. Those war forms are synonymous with the increase unpredictability of wars, possibly leaving the government with a narrower range of response options. As a result, government has to deploy a large number of military personnel throughout the country in terms of crisis. Therefore, to deal with this heightened volatility, the state needs to focus more on defense expenditure and the enforcement of military accoutrements. On the other hand, the vaunted military-industrial complex has been no match for the need to provide people with optimum living standard, which is an essential and permanent part of our social fabric. Social benefits cover the whole spectrum of people’s day-to-day operations. Moreover, it actually depends on the geopolitical and domestic condition of the nation. Take the USA, for example, it is surrounded by non-hostile nations on two sides and by large oceans on the other two, the demand for social welfare obviously eclipses the need for defense expenditure. Hence, without an efficient welfare system, citizens would suffer long-term afflictions and the whole country would cripple even in the absence of wars and violence. To conclude, I believe that although defense spending to circumvent outward threats is of utmost importance, the government should also pay attention to improving its people’s quality of life. Until wars and violence comes to a halt, the government will have to separate its budget in appropriate quantities to provide its citizens with the best life standard.
In every country, protecting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at all times from external aggression is paramount to the sovereignty of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that resources should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in consolidating defensive measures other than in improving the quality of life. In my opinion, although spending on defense is imperative,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
should not
be deprived
of the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
schemes which are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the one hand, in an unpredictable era, defending and assuring the safety of its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
is the prime responsibility of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. Nowadays, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do threats of violence occur between two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can arise at any time within a state,
for example
terrorism and rebellions. Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
war
forms are synonymous with the increase unpredictability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wars
,
possibly
leaving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
with a narrower range of response options.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
deploy
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
military personnel throughout the country in terms of crisis.
Therefore
, to deal with this heightened volatility, the state needs to focus more on defense expenditure and the enforcement of military
Possible spelling mistake found.
accoutrements
.

On the other hand
, the vaunted military-industrial complex has been no match for the need to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with optimum living standard, which is an essential and permanent part of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
fabric.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
benefits cover the whole spectrum of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
day-to-day operations.
Moreover
, it actually depends on the geopolitical and domestic condition of the nation. Take the USA,
for example
, it
is surrounded
by non-hostile nations on two sides and by large oceans on the other two, the demand for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
welfare
obviously
eclipses the need for defense expenditure.
Hence
, without an efficient welfare system,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
would suffer long-term afflictions and the whole country would cripple even in the absence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wars
and violence.

To conclude
, I believe that although defense spending to circumvent outward threats is of utmost importance, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
also
pay attention to improving its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
quality of life. Until
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wars
and violence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to a halt, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
separate its budget in appropriate quantities to provide its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
with the best life standard.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay A government has a responsibility to the citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
354 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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