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Nowadays some older people choose to live in retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development？ v.2

Nowadays some older people choose to live in retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development？ v. 2
With people grow older, they need more professional treatment and careful caring which their adult kids may not offer. So some of them go to retirement communities or hospital to live with other people. I believe this phenomenon brings more merits then demerits to both elder people and adults. There is no doubt that sending seniors to retirement communities can reducing adults’ pressure in providing health caring to their elder parents. Young adults need to spend more time on work for their future promotion so it means they have to spend less time with their family members, their elder parents, mostly. When adult children go outside to work, old people have to stay at home alone and they may feel isolate which may cause mental problems to them in a long term. Moreover, being alone at home also means elder people acquire no help when they meet emergencies such as slip on floor or fall down from stage. So when retirement communities can provide caring equipment and a place for many elder people to chat and live, there is no strange for why many old people want to live in it. However, send olds to retirement communities also brings new problems. Firstly, it may cause financial pressure toward adult children since some retirement communities need expensive pay. Secondly, old people may also feel lonely and uncomfortable without their kids in life. I believe even if olds live in retirement communities, it also necessary for their kids to visit to them frequently. And I think good caring in communities give more benefits than being abandon at home to elder people. Since dangerous emergency can be avoided and elders can get immediate help if they have problems. To summarize, I advocate that it can give more advantages if elder people live in retirement communities.
With
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
grow older, they need more professional treatment and careful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
caring
which their adult kids may not offer.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
or hospital to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I believe this phenomenon brings more merits
Did you mean "than"?
then
demerits to both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and adults.

There is no doubt that sending seniors to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
can reducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults’
pressure in providing health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
caring
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
parents. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
need to spend more time on work for their future promotion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it means they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend less time with their family members, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
parents,
mostly
. When adult children go outside to work,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
stay at home
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
alone and
they may feel isolate which may cause mental problems to them in a long term.
Moreover
, being alone at home
also
means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
acquire no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
emergencies such as slip on floor or fall down from stage.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
can provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
caring
equipment and a place for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to chat and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
, there is no strange for why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in it.

However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
olds to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
also
brings new problems.
Firstly
, it may cause financial pressure toward adult children since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
need expensive pay.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
also
feel lonely and uncomfortable without their kids in life. I believe even if olds
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
,
It seems that a verb is missing.
it
also
necessary for their kids to visit to them
frequently
. And I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
caring
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
give more benefits than being abandon at home to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
emergency can
be avoided
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
immediate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
if they have problems.

To summarize
, I advocate that it can give more advantages if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
47Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Nowadays some older people choose to live in retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development？ v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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