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Some companies sponsor sports as a way of advertising themselves. Some people think that it is good. Others think there are disadvantages to this. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.2

Some companies sponsor sports as a way of advertising themselves. Some people think that it is good. Others think there are disadvantages to this. v. 2
Globally, sponsorship of sporting events is becoming very popular. Organisations see these programs as a great opportunity to showcase their products to the world due to the popularity that sports garner. While some people welcome this with open hands and look forward to the adverts, others are dismayed and believe this has lots of demerits. In my opinion, I believe that despite some of the threats this might pose, there are lots of merits for which this idea should be encouraged. On the one hand, those who do not support promotion of sporting events by these big brands are of the opinion that these events have no age restriction therefore some of the adverts might not be age appropriate. Also, it is said that it can promote consumerism. For instance, a youngster might develop an interest in a product which he or she does not need, neither can the parents afford it. The need for this particular item might push the child to partake in some social vices such as stealing or pick-pocketing. On the other hand, showcasing of company products through advertisement hassled to increased employment opportunities, lucrativeness of the sporting industry, making the games more attractive for children who want to participate as a result of the funding that they receive, more revenue for both the companies that sponsor and the sponsored sporting organisation and job creation for creative workers. For example, Football all over the world has boomed and gained lots of recognition as a result of all the sponsorship it has received from companies like Nike, Fubu etc. This has made it more attractive to the youths and has created a lot of employment opportunities and also increase in per capita income of the economies of the host countries. In conclusion, my view is that the sponsorship of these companies through their adverts has helped in booming the economy viz a viz the sporting industry and therefore should be encouraged. However, the negative effects of the advertisement can be worked on.
Globally, sponsorship of sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
is becoming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Organisations' is British English.
Organisations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
these programs as a great opportunity to showcase their products to the world due to the popularity that sports garner. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
welcome this with open hands and look forward to the adverts, others
are dismayed
and believe this has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of demerits. In my opinion, I believe that despite
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
threats this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
pose, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of merits for which this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
should
be encouraged
.

On the one hand, those who do not support promotion of sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
by these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
brands are of the opinion that these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
have no age restriction
therefore
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
adverts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not be age appropriate.
Also
, it
is said
that it can promote consumerism.
For instance
, a youngster
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
develop an interest in a product which he or she does not need, neither can the parents afford it. The need for this particular item
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
push the child to partake in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
social vices such as stealing or pick-pocketing.

On the other hand
, showcasing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
products through advertisement hassled to increased employment opportunities, lucrativeness of the sporting industry, making the games more attractive for children who want to participate
as a result
of the funding that they receive, more revenue for both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
that sponsor and the sponsored sporting
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
and job creation for creative workers.
For example
, Football all over the world has boomed and gained
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of recognition
as a result
of all the sponsorship it has received from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
like Nike,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Fubu
etc. This has made it more attractive to the youths and has created a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of employment opportunities and
also
increase in per capita income of the economies of the host countries.

In conclusion
, my view is that the sponsorship of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
through their adverts has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
in booming the economy viz a viz the sporting industry and
therefore
should
be encouraged
.
However
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of the advertisement can
be worked
on.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some companies sponsor sports as a way of advertising themselves. Some people think that it is good. Others think there are disadvantages to this. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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