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Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and this money could be better spent elsewhere. v.2

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and this money could be better spent elsewhere. v. 2
Some contend that there are many pressing concerns that a country must resolve first before putting emphasize to art. However, I personally think that art is an essential part of a culture and it is quite fair to allocate funds to preserve and develop art. Admittedly, there are some justifications by people who oppose spending on promoting arts. First of all, most art projects are expensive with no obvious outcomes that have direct relations to a nation’s income. For example, the monument of Kebangkitan Pahlawan in Malang city that adsorbed almost 1 billion rupiahs does not attract people that much. Besides, art is not a critical aspect of the sustainability of human’s life. Human’s life will not disappear just because they have a less taste of esthetic. However, I still support that the government should allocate budget for arts. Art is part of a culture which becomes the identity of a nation and if the culture is strong enough, eventually it could be a major source of income. For instance, Bali is an island in Indonesia, where millions of visitors come each year to experience the combination of conventional values and modern lifestyles. The government in Indonesia invests more than a third of their budget to maintain their traditional arts. Furthermore, art makes a life worth living- as food, art is a supplement for the human soul. It has a magnificent power to aid buildings, roads, parks, and everything, with its uniqueness. Just imagine how empty a room would be if there is no painting or decoration on the wall! Art is enhancing people’s life by leveraging their experiences and empowering people to possess beautiful imagination. To conclude, supporting art is important for a government as it would enhance the quality of life either by improving tourism industry or by providing a better artistic facility.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
contend that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pressing concerns that a country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
resolve
first
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
putting emphasize to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
However
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is an essential part of a culture and it is quite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
to allocate funds to preserve and develop art.

Admittedly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
justifications by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who oppose spending on promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
projects are expensive with no obvious outcomes that have direct relations to a nation’s income.
For example
, the monument of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kebangkitan
Possible spelling mistake found.
Pahlawan
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Malang
city that adsorbed almost 1 billion rupiahs does not attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that much.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is not a critical aspect of the sustainability of human’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Human’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
will not disappear
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have a less taste of
Possible spelling mistake found.
esthetic
.

However
, I
still
support that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should allocate budget for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
is part of a culture which becomes the identity of a nation and if the culture is strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
,
eventually
it could be a major source of income.
For instance
, Bali is an island in Indonesia, where millions of visitors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
each year to experience the combination of conventional values and modern lifestyles. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in Indonesia invests more than a third of their budget to maintain their traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
worth living- as food,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is a supplement for the human soul. It has a magnificent power to aid buildings, roads, parks, and everything, with its uniqueness.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
imagine how empty a room would be if there is no painting or decoration on the wall!
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
is enhancing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
by leveraging their experiences and empowering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to possess
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
imagination.

To conclude
, supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
as it would enhance the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
either by improving tourism industry or by providing a better artistic facility.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and this money could be better spent elsewhere. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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