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More & more fathers are taking a break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care of their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full time. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion. v.1

More & more fathers are taking a break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care of their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full time. with this opinion. v. 1
Many fathers are taking leave from a job & mothers are working. Therefore, fathers can stay in home to take care of their children as well as house. Also, it might be good for their family rather than working both of them whole day. It is true that, parent should stay in home to look after their children. This essay don't agree to the statement that fathers should give up his job. Thus essay will discuss about why fathers should not give up his job & both parents should work to earn more income. Firstly, fathers giving up his career might be unhappy by his decision. He might missing his tough & challenging job which he has sacrificed for his children. Moreover, children are not usually in home as they are whole day in school. Fathers might get boredom by doing households works. For instance, my cousin brother who left his job for his children & entire day awaiting at home. In exchange he does households works such as mopping floors, cooking & feeding to his children. In addition, fathers & mothers both are working for their children to earn more salaries. In fact, if parents are working they have better lifestyle than single working parent. Futhermore, the situation is that both the parents should work in this expensive world to have a desired lifestyle. The condition might be if single parent is working, she is not earning enough money due which has impact on living style. For example, according to the survey of Business Times in 2017, both the parents are working whole day to have a standard of living as well as for children future. To conclude, parents should have a job for well-being of children career & family. Parents can spend time of togetherness with their kids during holidays or in a family trip or in evening.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
are taking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
& mothers are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
can stay in home to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
Also
, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their family
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
both of them whole day. It is true that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
should stay in home to look after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
The verb 'don' is plural. Did you mean: "This essay does"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
This essay don
't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
should give up his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Thus
essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss why"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
should not give up his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
& both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to earn more income.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
giving up his career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be unhappy by his decision. He
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
The verb 'might' requires the base form of the verb: "miss"
missing
his tough & challenging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
which he has sacrificed for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not
usually
in home as they are whole day in school.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Fathers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
boredom by doing households works.
For instance
, my cousin brother who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
& entire day awaiting at home. In
The comma is probably missing here: "exchange, he".
exchange he
does households works such as mopping floors, cooking & feeding to his children.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
& mothers both are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to earn more salaries.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
fact, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
they have better lifestyle than single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Futhermore
, the situation is that both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in this expensive world to have a desired lifestyle. The condition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be if single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, she is not earning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money due which has impact on living style.
For example
, according to the survey of Business Times in 2017, both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
whole day to have a standard of living
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
future.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for well-being of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
career & family.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
can spend time of togetherness with their kids during holidays or in a family trip or in evening.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
44Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay More & more fathers are taking a break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care of their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full time. with this opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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