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Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? v.2

Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? v. 2
There is no doubt that teenage is where a child learns habits for life. While some argue that family plays an important role in influencing children, I believe friends have the most impact on an individual's life. Firstly, young adults spend most of their day with friends. This is because they spent a majority of their day in schools, extracurricular classes, and playing with friends. For instance, a kid goes to school for eight hours, and adding classes and playing time, makes it up to ten hours spend with friends. This results in spending only a few hours with family. All this time, they are communicating with friends and learning new skills. Furthermore, teenagers learn relatively quickly compared to adults. So any behaviour by their friends leaves a lasting influence. Secondly, these days, there is a huge social pressure in friend circles. In other words, people want to be accepted in the group. They tend to behave like the group, regardless of the consequences. For example, if a person smokes, the non smokers are likely to pick up that habit. If a young adult does not align themselves with the group, they face bullying, or the danger of being kicked out of the circle. In addition, in a friend circle where some students score high on an exam, the other also work hard to keep up with their friends. In contrast, if some people in a group perform poorly in exams, others also looses motivation and scores less. In conclusion, with more time being spent with friends, and the social pressure nowadays, young adults get highly influenced by their friends rather than family.
There is no doubt that teenage is where a child learns habits for life. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that family plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in influencing children, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
have the most impact on an individual's life.

Firstly
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
spend most of their day with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spent a majority of their day in schools, extracurricular classes, and playing with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
For instance
, a kid goes to school for eight hours, and adding classes and playing time,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it up to ten hours spend with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. This results in spending
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few hours with family. All this time, they are communicating with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and learning new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
learn
relatively
quickly
compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
any
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
a lasting influence.

Secondly
, these days, there is a huge social pressure in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
circles.
In other words
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
want to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. They tend to behave like the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
, regardless of the consequences.
For example
, if a person smokes, the
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
non smokers
are likely to pick up that habit. If a young adult does not align themselves with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
, they face bullying, or the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of
being kicked
out of the circle.
In addition
, in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
circle where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
students score high on an exam, the other
also
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
In contrast
, if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
perform
poorly
in exams, others
also
looses motivation and scores less.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion, with more time
being spent
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, and the social pressure nowadays, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
highly
influenced by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
rather
than family.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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