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Some people think that family is the most important influence on young adults. However, Other people think that friends are the most important influence in young adults. v.2

Some people think that family is the most important influence on young adults. However, Other people think that friends are the most important influence in young adults. v. 2
Nowadays, the working conditions are much better, such as many workplaces have been equipped with air conditioners, other eye-pleasing decorations and evenly comfortable office furniture. However there is an indisputable face that employees are suffering more and more tension in their jobs. Personally, I suppose these are two contributing factors to this issue and it needs to be dealt with differently. Firstly, employers' selfishness should be responsible for the gravity at the workplace. These days, in order to reduce the cost of running a company and gain more profits, many employers prefer to downsize the workforce. As a result, this can cause a great deal of pressure for employees because each employee has to deal with heavier workloads and works longer hours than they used to. I think the most obvious solution for employers is to work out an effective business strategy to gain more profits rather than squeeze money from their staff. Secondly, the competition among employees is also a trigger for pressure. For example, to win the recognition from one's boss, an employee not only has to work harder than anyone else, but he has to deal with complex interpersonal relationship. Consequently, these "extra workload" will bring about certain physical and mental pressure to him. A good idea to make the situation better is also for employers to provide a sense of job security by providing long term contract or setting up accepted criteria for employees' raise and promotion system. By doing so, this can avoid a vicious competition among employees. In conclusion, since the consequences of load at workplace are so harmful for workers that measures suggested above should be taken to ensure that the substance will not reach a level that damages their health well-being.
Nowadays, the working conditions are much better, such as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
workplaces have
been equipped
with air conditioners, other eye-pleasing decorations and
evenly
comfortable office furniture.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
there is an indisputable face that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are suffering more and more tension in their jobs.
Personally
, I suppose these are two contributing factors to this issue and it needs to
be dealt
with
differently
.

Firstly
, employers' selfishness should be responsible for the gravity at the workplace. These days, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the cost of running a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and gain more profits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employers prefer to downsize the workforce.
As a result
, this can cause a great deal of pressure for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
deal with heavier workloads and works longer hours than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the most obvious solution for employers is to work out an effective business strategy to gain more profits
rather
than squeeze money from their staff.

Secondly
, the competition among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
is
also
a trigger for pressure.
For example
, to win the recognition from one's boss, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
work harder than anyone else,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
deal with complex interpersonal relationship.
Consequently
, these
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
extra workload
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
will bring about certain physical and mental pressure to him. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the situation better is
also
for employers to provide a sense of job security by providing long term contract or setting up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
criteria for employees' raise and promotion system. By doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, this can avoid a vicious competition among employees.

In conclusion
, since the consequences of load at workplace are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
harmful for workers that measures suggested above should
be taken
to ensure that the substance will not reach a level that damages their health well-being.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that family is the most important influence on young adults. However, Other people think that friends are the most important influence in young adults. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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