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TOEFL essay: Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? Use examples to support your position. v.1

TOEFL essay: Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? Use examples to support your position. v. 1
As we live in society and belong to different social community, being influenced by other people to whom we relate is almost inevitable. Two of the most important social systems that have a large impact on our lives are family and peers. We are affected by our friends in several ways, but it is the family which will shape the outline of our lives. I feel this way for two reasons I will vastly explore in the following essay. To begin with, family members are the ones with whom we grow up, they teach us how to see the world we live in and influence our interpretation of experiences and events go around. They bring up and support us both intellectually and financially as we develop from infant to young adult, so it logically leads to being greatly dependent on family members. In addition, they know us well enough to give a guidelines on major decision in life. For example when I decided to go to university at that age, my father always told me how good I am at designing and encourages me to be an architect. On the other side friends will influence on our immediate life style for example what to have for fun, our clothing styles or help us in the course of life. Secondly because, young adults at that age spend most of their lives with family members or at most with relatives. So through this time children get familiar with their parents ideologies, theories about the people, society, events take place around us. They indicate us what is worth doing and what is not, how to relate people which will influence on our future social life, help us discover our talents and flourish them. For example I was born in a family with high ability in artistic activity, so I began to play piano when I was 4 and at this time right now I am very professional at it which without my parents enforcement I would never do that. And also lots of friend I have had at that time was because of my proficiency at playing music. Thirdly, family members influence on our friend choice unconsciously due to the way they train their children. For example everyone at school or other community attract to people who have the same goal as the other have. Or find people who meet their criterias. All in all, to put the issue into a nut shell, family influence on teenagers’ lives to a more extend than their friends. And that is mostly because of intellectual, financial dependency and the amount of time they spend with their family.
As we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in society and belong to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
social community,
being influenced
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to whom we relate is almost inevitable. Two of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
social systems that have a large impact on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and peers. We are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
in several ways,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
which will shape the outline of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. I feel this way for two reasons I will
vastly
explore in the following essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
are the ones with whom we grow up, they teach us how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the world we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
our interpretation of experiences and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
go around. They bring up and support us both
intellectually
and
financially
as we develop from infant to young adult,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
logically
leads to being
greatly
dependent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
.
In addition
, they know us well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to give
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a guideline" or simply "guidelines"?
a guidelines
on major decision in life. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
when I decided to go to university at that age, my father always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
I am at designing and encourages me to be an architect. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
on our immediate life style for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
what to have for fun, our clothing styles or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us in the course of life.

Secondly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, young adults at that age spend most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
or at most with relatives.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
through this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
familiar with their parents ideologies, theories about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, society,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
take place around us. They indicate us what is worth doing and what is not, how to relate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
which will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
on our future social life,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us discover our talents and flourish them. For
The comma is probably missing here: "example, I".
example I
was born
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
with high ability in artistic activity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I began to play piano when I was 4 and at this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
I am
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
professional at it which without my parents enforcement I would never do that. And
also
lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
I have had at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of my proficiency at playing music.

Thirdly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
choice
unconsciously
due to the way they train their children. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
everyone at school or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
community attract to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have the same goal as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
have. Or find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "criteria", the plural form of the noun 'criteria'?
criterias
.

All in all, to put the issue into a nut shell,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
to a more extend than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. And
that is
mostly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of intellectual, financial dependency and the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they spend with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
46Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay TOEFL essay: Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? Use examples to support your position. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
441 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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