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Some people think that the education system should only focus on preparing students for employment, while others believe it has other important functions. Discuss both sides and then give your own opinion. v.2

Some people think that the education system should only focus on preparing students for employment, while others believe it has other important functions. v. 2
Many people argue that schools should mainly prepare the pupils for their careers in the future, but other people claim that schools not only focus on kids' employment but also take care of their other traits. However, I believe education providers should keep an eye on students' both factors. On the one hand, when schools are only looking at students' work placement, they will join in good jobs which will help to shine in their profession, moreover, leads to make decent money for their best lives. As well as, it will reduce the unemployment problem in the country and headed to have adequate workers for necessary employments. For example, the research conducted by the Indian government that shows most of the workers working under the government who are high school graduates and university graduates. On the other hand, the few sections of people argue that students while schooling should be guided by teachers on other traits, In other words, tutors should make sure to teach good habits and best communication skills to be a broadly knowledgeable citizen of society. It will help to create more mature youngsters and increase the better understanding between other people, which will definitely reduce the crime rate in the country and tends to live flourishment life. To illustrate, if the students are with good qualities of behaviours rather than higher education skills, will mostly first preferred by job providers all around the world. In conclusion, I believe both sides have positive merits. Education providers should balance both improvements. In addition, those all sources combine together and produce the qualified individuals to the human race.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should
mainly
prepare the pupils for their careers in the future,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on kids' employment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
traits.
However
, I believe education providers should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on students' both factors.

On the one hand, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
looking at students' work placement, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
jobs which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to shine in their profession,
moreover
, leads to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decent money for their best
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
As well
as, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the unemployment problem in the country and headed to have adequate workers for necessary employments.
For example
, the research conducted by the Indian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
most of the workers working under the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
who are high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
The verb 'to graduate' requires the preposition 'from': "graduates from".
graduates
and university graduates.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, the few sections of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that students while schooling should
be guided
by teachers on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
traits, In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, tutors should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure to teach
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habits and best communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to be a
broadly
knowledgeable citizen of society. It will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to create more mature youngsters and increase the better understanding between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which will definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the crime rate in the country and tends to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
Possible spelling mistake found.
flourishment
life. To illustrate, if the students are with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
qualities of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
rather
than higher education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, will
mostly
first
preferred by job providers all around the world.

In conclusion
, I believe both sides have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
merits. Education providers should balance both improvements.
In addition
, those all sources
'combine together' is redundant. Use "combine"
combine together
and produce the qualified individuals to the human race.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the education system should only focus on preparing students for employment, while others believe it has other important functions. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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