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Some people think that children should learn how to compete but others think that children should be taught to cooperate to become more useful adults. Express some reasons for both views and give your own opinions. v.1

Some people think that children should learn how to compete but others think that children should be taught to cooperate to become more useful adults. Express some reasons for both views and give your own opinions. v. 1
Recently the children have the competition of life and they(some people) think it is the only way for the success, but others opine that they have to learn how they become useful for the co-operative society. Both the views elaborated further with my opinion. To begin with, the competition is the most significant factor in the schools. They have so many competitions in all fields such as science, arts and so on. The prime advantage is they bring their hidden talents also they understand how to improve their skill to develop more. Also they can get to know about their weakness due to this they can correct it. Moreover, competition motivates them to achieve their career goals like getting a job in one of the biggest MNC company and they become more mature rapidly. As a result, it eases the companies to choose the qualified candidates as per the requirements. Furthermore, competition is the boost to earn the own abilities to develop their interpersonal skill. On the flip side, there is one of the main reasons is teamwork. They understand how to manage the group of people as to hear their everyone idea. Because of this leadership skill they reach their position higher. Furthermore, to become a sociologist person is very important such as to do something for society is the best thing. For instance, today's generation have to learn sharing and caring nature for protecting every one's life. Additionally, they learn to be a good human being in the hectic life. To conclude, my opinion is that, the competition is always in everyone's life but being a human being in this corporate world become more useful for the society and all around us is very important to learn.
Recently the children have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they(
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
)
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way for the success,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others opine that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
useful for the co-operative society. Both the views elaborated
further
with my opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
is the most significant factor in the schools. They have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
in all fields such as science, arts and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. The prime advantage is they bring their hidden talents
also
they understand how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
to develop more.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know about their weakness due to this they can correct it.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
motivates them to achieve their career goals like getting a job in one of the biggest
Possible spelling mistake found.
MNC
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
company and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more mature
rapidly
.
As a result
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
eases
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to choose the qualified candidates as per the requirements.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
is the boost to earn the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
abilities to develop their interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.

On the flip side, there is one of the main reasons is teamwork. They understand how to manage the group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as to hear their everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of this leadership
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
they reach their position higher.
Furthermore
, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a sociologist person is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
such as to do something for society is the best thing.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's generation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
sharing and caring nature for protecting every one's life.
Additionally
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
human being in the hectic life.

To conclude
, my opinion is that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
is always in everyone's life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
being a human being in this corporate world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more useful for the society and all around us is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some people think that children should learn how to compete but others think that children should be taught to cooperate to become more useful adults. Express some reasons for both views and give your own opinions. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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