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Some people think that the best way to motivate and encourage people to work hard is to pay them how much they produce and sell Do you agree or disagree Include any relevant examples based on your knowledge and experience v.2

Some people think that the best way to motivate and encourage people to work hard is to pay them how much they produce and sell Include any relevant examples based on your knowledge and experience v. 2
The ultimate goal of modern entrepreneurs is to bring out maximum output from their employees and business organisations. Presently, conferring remuneration to the employees on the basis of their outcomes is believed to be the best spirit boosting tonic by some people. Here, I would like to accord with the given statement firmly. There are manifold points to endorse my point of view. First and foremost, the allocation of salaries on behalf of individual’s performance can surely Maximise the work performance. To demonstrate, one is supposed to be dedicated and look for every possibility to enhance his productivity in order to ensure a pay rise. Adding to it, the temptation to earn more will definitely excite people to work round the clock for skyrocketing results. Needless to say, determining wages according to work achievements is an idea to be welcomed by all means. What is more, this trend will ignite the sense of competing others in terms of pecuniary benefits. Hence, the correlation between salary and work performance seems matchless to make employees pumped up for their jobs. Further emphasizing on my point of view, it is universally acknowledged that ‘money is not god but not less than god’. Therefore, no any other privilege attracts people more than money at work places. In this way, people are not going to miss the opportunity to earn more; no matter how much troubles they face to boost their outcomes. Last but not least, money surrounds people with luxuries and comforts to lead prosperous lives. Consequently, the impact of pay rise on behalf of one’s production could be terrific. To recapitulate, undeniably, one requires healthy atmosphere, cooperative staff, and relaxed working hours as a motivation to work. However, the idea of giving encouragement towards work by deciding the salary on the basis of work performance seems out of the box.
The ultimate goal of modern entrepreneurs is to bring out maximum output from their employees and business
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
.
Presently
, conferring remuneration to the employees on the basis of their outcomes
is believed
to be the best spirit boosting tonic by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Here, I would like to accord with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement
firmly
.

There are manifold points to endorse my point of view.
First
and foremost, the allocation of salaries on behalf of individual’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
can
surely
Possible spelling mistake. 'Maximise' is British English.
Maximise
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
. To demonstrate, one
is supposed
to
be dedicated
and look for every possibility to enhance his productivity in order to ensure a pay rise. Adding to it, the temptation to earn more will definitely excite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
round the clock for skyrocketing results. Needless to say, determining wages according to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
achievements is an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to
be welcomed
by all means.
What is more
, this trend will ignite the sense of competing others in terms of pecuniary benefits.
Hence
, the correlation between salary and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
seems matchless to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
employees pumped up for their jobs.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
emphasizing on my point of view, it is
universally
acknowledged that ‘money is not god
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not less than god’.
Therefore
,
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
any other privilege attracts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more than money at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
places. In this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not going to miss the opportunity to earn more; no matter how
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
troubles they face to boost their outcomes. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, money surrounds
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with luxuries and comforts to lead prosperous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Consequently
, the impact of pay rise on behalf of one’s production could be terrific.

To recapitulate,
undeniably
, one requires healthy atmosphere, cooperative staff, and relaxed working hours as a motivation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of giving encouragement towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
by deciding the salary on the basis of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
seems out of the box.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people think that the best way to motivate and encourage people to work hard is to pay them how much they produce and sell Include any relevant examples based on your knowledge and experience v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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