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Do you agree or disagree with the following statements? It is better to spend money on something that lasts a long time, such as an expensive piece of jewelry than on something that provides short-term pleasure, such as a vacation. v.10

It is better to spend money on something that lasts a long time, such as an expensive piece of jewelry than on something that provides short-term pleasure, such as a vacation. v. 10
People always go rapture at the mere mention of something that lasts a long time, such as jewelry and diamond. As a result, they crazily spend the money all they earn on it. Such behavior is beyond me. As an ordinary student, I believe that value depends on meanings not time. If I have choice, I would rather spend money on a short-term journey with my best friends than jewelry that lasts forever. First of all, there are numerous things that will last forever in this world, such as rocks and stones. But do they all possess value? I cast doubt on that. As you can see, the majority of our earth is made of rocks and that’s why it is so tough and has high density. What makes the matter even worse is that such rocks and stones are plentiful. Therefore, it is unwise for people to invest so much money in them. For example, my uncle Peter is an accountant. His salary is no more than 50, 000 dollars per year. In addition to pay for his daughter tuition, he has to afford his family daily expenses since his wife is unemployed. One day, hearing that the price of gold will skyrocket in the future, he immediately spent all his savings to purchase them without thinking twice. However, no more than one week, the price of gold shrinks more than 20%. Thus, we can’t put our money on something just because it will last forever. Besides, although there is no denying the fact that jewelry last forever and could be passed on to our offspring, once it is lost we have nothing left. Today, it is common to see the news about theft everywhere. I happened to see a piece of news about the theft happened in Shanghai yesterday. It is said that there is an old lady wearing a golden watch in the shopping mall. In order to show off, she takes off her watch time and time again and presents it to the other customers, hoping to achieve some praises and adorable words from others. However, to her surprise, no more than three minutes since her last time taking off her watch, it disappears. According to the news, such watch costs more than 5000 dollars. She spends all her pension to buy this watch and now she has nothing left. Therefore, I don’t recommend buying thing that is too expensive. What’s more, in my opinion, to some extent, some temporary things are more valuable than permanent things. Take travelling as an example. Although it may only last for a few days, the memory you collect from these days could be more meaningful than money itself. Last year, my family and I went to Hawaii. It really broadens my horizons and makes me know how big the world is. When I hike along the clean beach and rainforest, I could hear the birds there singing for me. It shows me the charm of our nature mother and it couldn’t be bought by money. To draw a conclusion, taking what I have mentioned above, I really believe it would be more worthwhile to spend money on something that brings you pleasure even if it only lasts for a few days.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
always go rapture at the mere mention of something that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lasts
a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, such as jewelry and diamond.
As a result
, they
crazily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
all they earn on it. Such behavior is beyond me. As an ordinary student, I believe that value depends on meanings not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. If I have choice, I would
rather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on a short-term journey with my best friends than jewelry that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lasts
forever.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there are numerous things that will last forever in this world, such as rocks and stones.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
do they all possess value? I cast doubt on that. As you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, the majority of our earth
is made
of rocks and that’s why it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
tough and has high density. What
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the matter even worse is that such rocks and stones are plentiful.
Therefore
, it is unwise for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to invest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in them.
For example
, my uncle Peter is an accountant. His salary is no more than 50, 000 dollars per year.
In addition
to pay for his daughter tuition, he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
afford his family daily expenses since his wife
is unemployed
. One day, hearing that the price of gold will skyrocket in the future, he immediately spent all his savings to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
them without thinking twice.
However
, no more than one week, the price of gold shrinks more than 20%.
Thus
, we can’t put our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will last forever.

Besides
, although there is no denying the fact that jewelry last forever and could
be passed
on to our offspring, once it
is lost
we have nothing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, it is common to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the news about theft everywhere. I happened to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a piece of news about the theft happened in Shanghai yesterday. It
is said
that there is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
lady wearing a golden
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
in the shopping mall. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off, she takes off her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
again and presents it to the other customers, hoping to achieve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
praises and adorable words from others.
However
, to her surprise, no more than three minutes since her last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
taking off her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
, it disappears. According to the news, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
costs more than 5000 dollars. She
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spends
all her pension to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
she has nothing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
.
Therefore
, I don’t recommend buying thing
that is
too expensive.

What’s more, in my opinion, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
temporary things are more valuable than permanent things. Take travelling as an example. Although it may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
last for a few days, the memory you collect from these days could be more meaningful than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
itself. Last year, my family and I went to Hawaii. It
really
broadens my horizons and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
me know how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
the world is. When I hike along the clean beach and rainforest, I could hear the birds there singing for me. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
me the charm of our nature mother and it couldn’t be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
by money.

To draw a conclusion, taking what I have mentioned above, I
really
believe it would be more worthwhile to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on something that brings you pleasure even if it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lasts
for a few days.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay It is better to spend money on something that lasts a long time, such as an expensive piece of jewelry than on something that provides short-term pleasure, such as a vacation. v. 10

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
542 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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