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some people think that the advantages of sports products through famous sports players outweigh the disadvantages. To what extent do you agree or disagree. v.1

some people think that the advantages of sports products through famous sports players outweigh the disadvantages. v. 1
It is irrefutable that advertisement has a paramount importance for the organisation as well as the society also. A certain segment believes that advertising of sports product by a popular sports player has more advantages rather than disadvantages. I agree with this statement that; I would like to explicate about it into the upcoming paragraphs. To begin with, there are various benefits of advertisement for a company which has been done by popular sports person. First and foremost advantage is that myriad individuals are follows sports players they obtain same style like them. Owing to this reason, masses rely on them; they buy that product very quickly from the market. Which they watch on the television. This step of consumers gives a benefit to advertisers. Moreover, sportsmen have good knowledge about sports items. Due to this reason, they always hold those advertisements in which they can provide accurate knowledge about sports products to customers. Thus, it is a benefit to society, those watches their advertisements. Furthermore, another advantage of advertising of sports products through sports players is that sports person also acquire the opportunity to earn more money. Which mushroomed their income. However, give preference to sports players for advertising has some disadvantages also. Advertisements mostly lure to youngsters and offsprings who are not mature enough. They pressurise their parents to buy products of sports. Which can mismanage the budget of households sometime this tendency can create misunderstanding between parents and adolescents. In conclusion, although advertising by brilliant sports players has positive effect more; it has some negative effects also on the new generations.
It is irrefutable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
has a paramount importance for the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
as well
as the society
also
. A certain segment believes that advertising of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
by a popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
has more advantages
rather
than disadvantages. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement that; I would like to explicate about it into the upcoming paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are various benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
which has
been done
by popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
person.
First
and foremost advantage is that myriad individuals are follows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
they obtain same style like them. Owing to this reason, masses rely on them; they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
quickly
from the market.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
on the television. This step of consumers gives a benefit to advertisers.
Moreover
, sportsmen have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
knowledge about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
items. Due to this reason, they always hold those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
in which they can provide accurate knowledge about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
to customers.
Thus
, it is a benefit to society, those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
their advertisements.

Furthermore
, another advantage of advertising of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
person
also
acquire the opportunity to earn more money. Which mushroomed their income.
However
, give preference to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
for advertising has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages
also
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Advertisements
mostly
lure to youngsters and
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
who are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. They
Possible spelling mistake. 'pressurise' is British English.
pressurise
their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. Which can mismanage the budget of households sometime this tendency can create misunderstanding between parents and adolescents.

In conclusion
, although advertising by brilliant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect more; it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects
also
on the new generations.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay some people think that the advantages of sports products through famous sports players outweigh the disadvantages. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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