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Many famous sports players advertise sports products. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Many famous sports players advertise sports products. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
In the contemporary era, sports competitions have become so popular worldwide for entertaining audiences.  Meanwhile, large companies spend a huge amount of salary to invite sports celebrities to promote their products. Some people believe that this will benefit communities and their fans. However, I personally disagree with this view and the essay will discuss about my opinion. To begin with,  sport celebrities' participances in commercial product advertisements may convey misleading information to their fans and lead to some negative impacts on them as well. In order to show loyalty to sport celebrities or under peer pressure, teenagers may force their parents to buy gadget, clothes and even food which are advertised by their favourite sports players.  For example, some soft drinking companies have the long history to use sports celebrities to promote their products annually. Many Chinese teenagers suffer from obesity and even diabetes mellitus due to consuming too much sugar from soft drinks. Without the advertises, Chinese teenagers might not be fond of soft drinks. In addition, the fee to invite sports celebrities for participating in advertises are extremely huge. In order to make the same amount of profits, retail prices of products will increase. Therefore, it will add more financial burden to the customers as well. For example, the prices for some popular brands of detergents are higher than that of an ordinary brand because the former one spent much money on their advertisements. Therefore, inviting sports celebrities to promote products will lead to higher retail prices and will add burdens to consumers. In summary, sports celebrities play in advertises for profit which also contributes high retail prices and increases consumers' burdens. Therefore, I did not believe it is beneficial to have sport celebrities for commercial product advertisements.
In the contemporary era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
competitions have become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
popular worldwide for entertaining audiences.  Meanwhile, large
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
spend a huge amount of salary to invite sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
to promote their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that this will benefit communities and their fans.
However
, I
personally
disagree with this view and the essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss my"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about my
opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
 sport
celebrities'
Possible spelling mistake found.
participances
in commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
advertisements may convey misleading information to their fans and lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on them
as well
. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
loyalty to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
or under peer pressure,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
may force their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
gadget, clothes and even food which
are advertised
by their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
players.  
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
soft drinking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
 have the long history to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
to promote their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
annually
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
Chinese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
suffer from obesity and even diabetes mellitus due to consuming too much sugar from soft drinks. Without the advertises, Chinese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
might not be fond of soft drinks.

In addition
, the fee to invite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
for participating in advertises are
extremely
huge. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the same amount of profits, retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
will increase.
Therefore
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
more financial burden to the customers
as well
.
For example
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
popular brands of detergents are higher than that of an ordinary brand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the former one spent much money on their advertisements.
Therefore
, inviting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
will lead to higher retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
burdens to consumers.

In summary,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
play in advertises for profit which
also
contributes high retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
and increases consumers' burdens.
Therefore
, I did not believe it is beneficial to have sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
for commercial product advertisements.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Many famous sports players advertise sports products. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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