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16. Many famous sports players advertise sports products. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

16. Many famous sports players advertise sports products. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
In the contemporary era, sports competitions have become so popular around the world for the entertainment purpose. Meanwhile, commercial advertisement companies spend a huge amount of salary to invite famous sports celebrities to promote sport products via advertisements. Some people believe that this will benefit communities and their fans. However, I personally disagree with this view and the essay will discuss about my view. To begin with,   it is the fact that sports celebrities have become their fans' role models worldwide. Their fans always pay an attention to the clothes they wear, gadgets they used, cars they drive, and so on. Then their fans will copy what they do in their daily life.  People tend to spend their money on the items which might not benefit them or waste their money. They purchased them only because their idols advertise the products.   For example, some soft drinking companies have the long history to use sport celebrities to promote their products annually. Many Chinese teenagers drink too many soft drinks daily which will do harm to their health. Without the advertises, teenagers might not be fond of consuming soft drinks. In addition, the fee to invite sports celebrities for participating in advertises are extremely huge. In order to make the same amount of profits, retail prices of products will increase. Therefore, it will add more financial burden to the customers as well. For example, the prices for some popular brands of detergents are higher than that of an ordinary brand because the former one spent much money on their advertisements. Therefore, inviting sports celebrities to promote products will lead to higher retail prices and will add burdens to consumers. In summary, sports celebrities play in advertises for profit which also contributes high retail prices and increases consumers' burdens. Therefore, I did not believe it is beneficial to have sport celebrities for commercial product advertisements.
In the contemporary era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
competitions have become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
popular around the world for the entertainment purpose. Meanwhile, commercial advertisement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
spend a huge amount of salary to invite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
via advertisements.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that this will benefit communities and their fans.
However
, I
personally
disagree with this view and the essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss my"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about my
view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
it is the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
have become their fans' role models worldwide. Their fans always pay an attention to the clothes they wear, gadgets they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
, cars they drive, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Then their fans will copy what they do in their daily life.  
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
 tend to spend their money on the items which might not benefit them or waste their money. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their idols
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertise
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
soft drinking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have the long history to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
to promote their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
annually
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
Chinese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
drink too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
soft drinks daily which will do harm to their health. Without the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertises
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
might not be fond of consuming soft drinks.

In addition
, the fee to invite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
for participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertises
are
extremely
huge. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the same amount of profits, retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
will increase.
Therefore
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
more financial burden to the customers
as well
.
For example
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
popular brands of detergents are higher than that of an ordinary brand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the former one spent much money on their advertisements.
Therefore
, inviting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
will lead to higher retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
burdens to consumers.

In summary,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
play in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertises
for profit which
also
contributes high retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
and increases consumers' burdens.
Therefore
, I did not believe it is beneficial to have sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
for commercial product advertisements.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay 16. Many famous sports players advertise sports products. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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