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Some people think that teenagers should follow what the old people say whereas some believe that it is good for teenage people to challenge what old people say. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion. v.5

Some people think that teenagers should follow what the old people say whereas some believe that it is good for teenage people to challenge what old people say. v. 5
There is an argument that data is vulnerable while connected over the internet. However, I agree with the fact that technological advancements have simplified human life in many ways. First of all, we are surrounded by gadgets which help us solve simple to complex problems. For instance, the apps on the smartphones, we use posses most of our personal data. Although these apps give a disclaimer that your information is encrypted and stored securely, data is exposed over the internet which is potential to be attacked. While you browse, social networking websites like Facebook and Instagram use your browsing history and stored cookies to present advertisements on their forum providing suggestions based on your search. Also, there are agencies who sell data collected from various sources. Data on a public network is never secured and protection cannot be guaranteed. Despite the fact that your personal details are shared, it helps in easing things in our daily life. The Internet has blessed us with its power to make life better. You can video call your loved ones just a click away. Banking is now much more simplified, money can be transferred in a glimpse. There are well-designed apps to suit your daily routine, which measure your footsteps, heartbeat and calorie intake. Shopping has been made easy by giving varieties to choose. In conclusion, undoubtedly that data security is a known issue which cannot be ignored does not mean that we stop availing internet. Technology has grown immensely, we would see wonders in the near future.
There is an argument that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
is vulnerable while connected over the internet.
However
, I
Consider using "agree that".
agree with the fact that
technological advancements have simplified human life in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, we
are surrounded
by gadgets which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us solve simple to complex problems.
For instance
, the apps on the smartphones, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
posses most of our personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
. Although these apps give a disclaimer that your information
is encrypted
and stored
securely
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
is exposed
over the internet which is potential to
be attacked
. While you browse, social networking websites like Facebook and Instagram
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
your browsing history and stored cookies to present advertisements on their forum providing suggestions based on your search.
Also
, there are agencies who sell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
collected from various sources.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Data
on a public network is never secured and protection cannot
be guaranteed
.

Despite the fact that your personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
are shared
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in easing things in our daily life. The Internet has blessed us with its power to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
life better. You can video call your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a click away. Banking is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
much more simplified, money can
be transferred
in a glimpse. There are well-designed apps to suit your daily routine, which measure your footsteps, heartbeat and calorie intake. Shopping has
been made
easy by giving varieties to choose.

In conclusion
,
undoubtedly
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
security is a known issue which cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
does not mean that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
availing internet. Technology has grown
immensely
, we would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
wonders in the near future.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Some people think that teenagers should follow what the old people say whereas some believe that it is good for teenage people to challenge what old people say. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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