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Some people think that students who don't take a break in studies between highschool or universities is disadvantages. compare to who travels and work after highschools. do you agree or disagree. v.1

Some people think that students who don't take a break in studies between highschool or universities is disadvantages. compare to who travels and work after highschools. v. 1
Today's young generation have taken a keen interest in availing themselves to shopping activities during their breaks. In my opinion, this is because of financial stability of their parents and technological discoveries. Although, shopping great, I would reckon that socializing with friends in playgrounds should be encouraged in early age-group. In order to consider shopping as a hobby, the individual must be financially capable. A trip to a gadget store can be frustrating rather than interesting if one finds a toy he is fondly in need of and cannot muster the money to pay for it. A vivid recall of my last trip to Phonix mobile store left me wondering why I embarked on the journey in the first instance. I saw a Samsung galaxy phone that I had craved for and at a reasonable price but could not afford it. So, today's young people goes to shop more frequently because they have the wealth to back this venture. Another important reason why youth prefers spending time buying things is due to the pleasure of having the latest inventions. Without doubt, the present day kids are technology savvy, and technology is constantly evolving with new product release. This frequent introduction of new device implies that there will always be something exciting about the next visit. Thus, teens devote their free time to discovering these latest available products. Even though shopping may be a satisfying activity, I will rather encourage that children should spend more time with people to develop communication and teamwork rather than always going to shop. By so doing, they will develop important skills for their adulthood. In conclusion, the increased shopping rate among our children in this current age is due to economic stability and technological innovations but such must not be always encouraged.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
's young generation have taken a keen interest in availing themselves to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
activities during their breaks. In my opinion, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of financial stability of their parents and technological discoveries. Although,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
great, I would reckon that socializing with friends in playgrounds should
be encouraged
in early age-group.

In order to consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as a hobby, the individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
financially
capable. A trip to a gadget store can be frustrating
rather
than interesting if one finds a toy he is
fondly
in need of and cannot muster the money to pay for it. A vivid recall of my last trip to
Possible spelling mistake found.
Phonix
mobile store
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
me wondering why I embarked on the journey in the
first
instance. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Samsung galaxy
phone that I had craved for and at a reasonable price
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
could not afford it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
goes
to shop more
frequently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have the wealth to back this venture.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason why youth prefers spending time buying things is due to the pleasure of having the latest inventions. Without doubt, the present day kids are technology savvy, and technology is
constantly
evolving with new product release. This frequent introduction of new device implies that there will always be something exciting about the
next
visit.
Thus
, teens devote their free time to discovering these latest available products.

Even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
may be a satisfying activity, I will
rather
encourage that children should spend more time with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to develop communication and teamwork
rather
than always going to shop. By
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
doing, they will develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
for their adulthood.

In conclusion
, the increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
rate among our children in this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
age is due to economic stability and technological innovations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not be always encouraged.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some people think that students who don't take a break in studies between highschool or universities is disadvantages. compare to who travels and work after highschools. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
297 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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