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Some people think that cultural traditions will be destroyed if they are used as money making attractions aimed at tourists Others however believe that is the only way to save these traditions Discuss both these views and give your own opinion v.1

Some people think that cultural traditions will be destroyed if they are used as money making attractions aimed at tourists Others however believe that is the only way to save these traditions 1
The population of the elderly in developed nations is indeed larger than ever. This essay will discuss some of the possible brunts of greater life expectancy to both individuals and society and suggest several steps to overcome the same. As the people live longer and populations in industrialised nations grow older, an array of related problems can be anticipated. The primary problem would be the financial burden on the family member who is caring for their elderly relative. It is universally acknowledged that elderly people have greater medical expenses. Therefore, the caring young person has to pay the medical bills of their elderly in addition to their bills. Furthermore, from the government's perspective, with an increased average life expectancy of their citizens, there would be more pensioners in relation to the population size. More of the national funds would be spent on providing pensions to elderly rather than developing the country. This would also mean greater tax burden on young, working adults. Nevertheless, the menace of this trend of increased average life expectancy can be overcome by twofold solutions. Firstly, the official authorities should raise the retirement age. This is because, in today's world, many are still very much healthy and productive at 65 years old. Malaysia, for example, should increase the compulsory retirement age from 60 to 65 years old. Secondly, the country should encourage immigration of working-class people into the country to mitigate the problem of the greater population of elderly citizens. In terms of tax money, the government will obtain greater revenues this way as there would be more taxpayers. In conclusion, the increased average life expectancy merits some consideration as it causes financial burdens to young adults besides reducing the tax return of a nation. Nonetheless, in tackling this issue, the retirement age should be increased and the immigration of working adults in developed countries should be encouraged.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
in developed nations is
indeed
larger than ever. This essay will discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
possible
Possible spelling mistake found.
brunts
of greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy to both individuals and society and suggest several steps to overcome the same.

As the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
populations
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialised' is British English.
industrialised
nations grow older, an array of related problems can
be anticipated
. The primary problem would be the financial burden on the family member who is caring for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
relative. It is
universally
acknowledged that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have greater medical expenses.
Therefore
, the caring young person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
pay the medical bills of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
in addition
to their bills.
Furthermore
, from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's perspective, with an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy of their citizens, there would be more pensioners in relation to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
size. More of the national funds would
be spent
on providing pensions to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
rather
than developing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. This would
also
mean greater tax burden on young, working adults.

Nevertheless
, the menace of this trend of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy can
be overcome
by twofold solutions.
Firstly
, the official authorities should raise the retirement age. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much healthy and productive at 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. Malaysia,
for example
, should increase the compulsory retirement age from 60 to 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
should encourage immigration of working-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to mitigate the problem of the greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
citizens. In terms of tax money, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will obtain greater revenues this way as there would be more taxpayers.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy merits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
consideration as it causes financial burdens to young adults
besides
reducing the tax return of a nation. Nonetheless, in tackling this issue, the retirement age should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
and the immigration of working adults in developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should
be encouraged
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that cultural traditions will be destroyed if they are used as money making attractions aimed at tourists Others however believe that is the only way to save these traditions 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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