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Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. v. 1
It is true that the proportion of obese children in the western world has rose rapidly in the last decade. This essay will discuss why this is happening and put forward several consequences of the same. The are multiple causes contributing to the staggering number of overweight children in this part of the world. Firstly, it is the easy availability of fast food. These fast foods are detrimental to growing children as it is rich in calories with minimal, if any, nutritional value. For instance, a study found out that children who consumed at least a meal of fast food daily are 200% more likely to become obese in the next five years. Moreover, these young ones lack of physical activities as they are more obsessed with their mobile phones rather than exercising. Thus, the excess calories are deposited in the form fat in their bodies. The effects of this growing trend are rather worrisome. These overweight children would soon grow up to be very unhealthy adults. Most of them would have contracted non-communicable diseases such as diabetes mellitus, hypertension and hypercholesterolemia from a young age itself. Furthermore, the productivity level of a country's would also fall as there would be more sickly young adults who would not be able to perform at their optimum. Also, the government would have to allocate more funds towards the treatment of these diseases among its citizens In conclusion, the exponentially growing rate of overweight children in western world merits some serious thoughts. The easy availability of fast food and sedentary lifestyle of the children results in the dramatic rise of obese children. The aftereffects such as more unhealthy adults in the future and lesser productivity level of the country can be anticipated if this trend continues.
It is true that the proportion of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the western world has
Use the past participle "risen" after the modal (auxiliary) verb 'has'.
rose
rapidly
in the last decade. This essay will discuss why this is happening and put forward several consequences of the same.

Did you mean "they are" or "there are"?
The are
multiple causes contributing to the staggering number of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in this part of the world.
Firstly
, it is the easy availability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are detrimental to growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as it is rich in calories with minimal, if any, nutritional value.
For instance
, a study found out that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who consumed at least a meal of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
daily are 200% more likely to become obese in the
next
five years.
Moreover
, these young ones lack of physical activities as they are more obsessed with their mobile phones
rather
than exercising.
Thus
, the excess calories
are deposited
in the form
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
in their bodies.

The effects of this growing trend are
rather
worrisome. These overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
grow up to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
unhealthy adults. Most of them would have contracted non-communicable diseases such as diabetes mellitus, hypertension and
Possible spelling mistake found.
hypercholesterolemia
from a young age itself.
Furthermore
, the productivity level of a country's would
also
fall as there would be more sickly young adults who would not be able to perform at their optimum.
Also
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
allocate more funds towards the treatment of these diseases among its citizens

In conclusion
, the
exponentially
growing rate of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in western world merits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious thoughts. The easy availability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and sedentary lifestyle of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
results in the dramatic rise of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The aftereffects such as more unhealthy adults in the future and lesser productivity level of the country can
be anticipated
if this trend continues.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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