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Ensuring that children have regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lessons as part of the curriculum. To what extent do you agree? v.4

Ensuring that children have regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lessons as part of the curriculum. v. 4
Primitive cultures will eventually be forgotten as advances in technology occurs. These two concepts do not conform to each other. In this essay, I will argue that traditional cultures will undoubtedly be lost, as technology progresses and that, they do not work well together. Life was quite difficult before modern inventions came to be. In ancient times, before cars were invented, horses and camels were the means of transportation; they were the culturally acceptable ways to commute from one place to the other. However, it would take years to go from country to country, which today is not the case because of advancements in technology for example aeroplanes, jets and cars. Over time, we abandoned these aforementioned crude means of transportation. However, does this make modern inventions and primitive practices incompatible with one another? I believe it does because; technology is based on science, which is rooted in facts. Whereas, traditional ways of life are coined from a belief in gods, the metaphysical and fortune or fate. With technology man has survived based on his ability to create whilst on the other hand culture bases man's survival on a deity or cosmic balance of sorts therefore, making these two ideas inapplicable with each other and for development to occur, there must be coherence of ideas. In conclusion, cultures of old will inevitably be lost because technology has made life so much better that we cannot live as we did before. In addition, these two are not compatible because they are very different in their origin and purpose. As such, man can either let go of traditional culture and go further into the new age of technology or let reverse be the case.
Primitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
will
eventually
be forgotten
as advances in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
occurs. These two concepts do not conform to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. In this essay, I will argue that traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
will
undoubtedly
be lost
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
progresses and that, they do not work well together.

Life was quite difficult
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
modern inventions came to be. In ancient times,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
cars
were invented
, horses and camels were the means of transportation; they were the
culturally
acceptable ways to commute from one place to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
However
, it would take years to go from country to country, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
is not the case
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of advancements in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
for example
Possible spelling mistake. 'aeroplanes' is British English.
aeroplanes
, jets and cars. Over time, we abandoned these aforementioned crude means of transportation.

However
, does this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
modern inventions and primitive practices incompatible with one another? I believe it does
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is based
on science, which
is rooted
in facts. Whereas, traditional ways of life
are coined
from a belief in gods, the metaphysical and fortune or fate. With
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
has survived based on his ability to create whilst on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
bases
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
's survival on a deity or cosmic balance of sorts
therefore
, making these two
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
inapplicable with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and for development to occur, there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be coherence of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
will
inevitably
be lost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has made life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much better that we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
as we did
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
In addition
, these two are not compatible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
in their origin and purpose. As such,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
can either
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
go of traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and go
further
into the new age of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
reverse be the case.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Ensuring that children have regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lessons as part of the curriculum. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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