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Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.14

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. v. 14
It is true that in several countries, now it is a legal offence to not accept applications merely due to the applicant's age. There are several reasons for this, and in my view, it is a positive development. Rejection of applications only due to the applicant's age should illegalised everywhere because it would be unfair to base admission on age. Universities, for example, should continue to select the best candidates for each course according to their qualifications. In this way, all regardless of age, would have the same opportunities, and applicants know that they would be successful if they achieve good grades at school. Furthermore, in company settings, it is observed that when workers are chosen based on their experience rather than their age, the profit margin of the company soars. This is because the worker's practical experience allows devising of realistic approaches towards achieving the company's goal. In my opinion, the act of some countries making it illegal to reject application due to their age is a positive development. To me, it is certainly wrong to reject one's experience or knowledge in favour of other's age. Notably, the current prime minister of Malaysia, is the oldest prime minister in the world. In contrast, Greta Thunberg, is among the youngest climate activists the world has seen. Yet both are hailed as one of the best, if not the best, in their respective fields. Thus, in other words, it is obvious that age surely is not a standard criteria to reject an application. In conclusion, illegalising rejecting applications based on age in some countries is certainly a positive development and should be applauded. Knowledge, experience or achievements should be utilised to choose a suitable candidate as age in not a standardised measure of one's knowledge.
It is true that in several countries,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it is a legal
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
to not accept
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applications
merely
due to the applicant's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. There are several reasons for this, and in my view, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.

Rejection of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applications
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
due to the applicant's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "illegalise"
illegalised
everywhere
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would be unfair to base admission on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. Universities,
for example
, should continue to select the best candidates for each course according to their qualifications. In this way, all regardless of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, would have the same opportunities, and applicants know that they would be successful if they achieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grades at school.
Furthermore
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
settings, it
is observed
that when workers
are chosen
based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
rather
than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, the profit margin of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
soars. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the worker's practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
devising of realistic approaches towards achieving the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's goal.

In my opinion, the act of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries making it illegal to reject
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
application
due to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development. To me, it is
certainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to reject one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
or knowledge in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of other's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
Notably
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
prime minister of Malaysia, is the oldest prime minister in the world.
In contrast
, Greta Thunberg, is among the youngest climate activists the world has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
.
Yet
both
are hailed
as one of the best, if not the best, in their respective fields.
Thus
,
in other words
, it is obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
surely
is not a standard
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "criterion"?
criteria
to reject an application.

In conclusion
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'illegalising' is British English.
illegalising
rejecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applications
based on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries is
certainly
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development and should
be applauded
. Knowledge,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
or achievements should be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
to choose a suitable candidate as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
in not a
Possible spelling mistake. 'standardised' is British English.
standardised
measure of one's knowledge.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. v. 14

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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