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Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial art should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. To what extent do you agree? v.2

Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial art should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. v. 2
There is an issue about the broadcast of violent sports contests. Some social workers think that they have negative effect on society and suggest restricting their coverage on television. This essay disagrees with their opinion. Let us start with reasons why some social workers argue that the state authorities should prohibit atrocious contests from broadcasting. The first reason is that it can make children behave aggressively. Immature minds are usually susceptible to the idea of dominating among peers, so once they see how MMA fighters beat one another ruthlessly, they may start to abuse others in the same way. Another reason is that it may cause international conflicts. Two different nations are likely to attack each other, when, for example, one boxer wins the other in the final. Furthermore, many sports competitions may lose a large audience. Sport events, which promote violent contests, may experience a rating fall, since people, who are intolerant to any signs of brutality, stop watching such events. However, some sports commentators claim that the government should allow such sport events on TV. They justify their point of view by the following arguments. Firstly, violence is part of human nature. People tend to conduct aggressively towards other people, so competitions, involving violence, have little influence on the mood of TV spectators. Secondly, children can find martial arts appealing. Many children quit bad habits, such as smoking, and enroll for boxing, once they watch international boxing contests on television. Moreover, many athletes can gain fame and wealth. Many boxers, for instance, become rich as well as famous, when tv channels broadcast them in championships, which compel a great number of viewers. In conclusion, although some social workers state that the government should forbid brutal sports on TV screens, I think that the matter of choice whether to watch such sports should be individual.
There is an issue about the broadcast of violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contests
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
social workers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on society and suggest restricting their coverage on television. This essay disagrees with their opinion.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
social workers argue that the state authorities should prohibit atrocious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contests
from broadcasting. The
first
reason is that it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
children behave
aggressively
. Immature minds are
usually
susceptible to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of dominating among peers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
how MMA fighters beat one another
ruthlessly
, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to abuse others
in the same way
. Another reason is that it may cause international conflicts. Two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations are likely to attack each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
, when,
for example
, one boxer wins the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
in the final.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
competitions may lose a large audience.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, which promote violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contests
, may experience a rating fall, since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, who are intolerant to any signs of brutality,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
watching such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
commentators claim that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
on TV. They justify their point of view by the following arguments.
Firstly
, violence is part of human nature.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
tend to conduct
aggressively
towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
competitions, involving violence, have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
influence on the mood of TV spectators.
Secondly
, children can find martial arts appealing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
children quit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits, such as smoking, and enroll for boxing, once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
international boxing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contests
on television.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
athletes can gain fame and wealth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
boxers,
for instance
, become rich
as well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
, when
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
channels broadcast them in championships, which compel a great number of viewers.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
social workers state that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should forbid brutal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
on TV screens, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the matter of choice whether to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should be individual.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial art should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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