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Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. To what extent do you agree? v.2

Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. v. 2
In the modern world, many people are willing to live in peace and quiet. In this regard, some individuals are keen to think that some types of sports involving violence, such as kick-boxing, martial arts and bare knuckle should be prohibited from the mass media as well as from the international competitions. It is true that these activities are beneficial for the well-being, if sportsmen follow the safety rules during the training process. In this sense, security is essential for the health of athletes. Furthermore, some citizens reckon to think that if these sports will be banned from the TV, it can lead to the negative outcomes, such as deterioration of the physical condition of the individuals. To illustrate, many people do sports because of its benefit for their health. As a result, these people may not do these activities, if they prohibited by the authorities. On the other hand, it is clear that many citizens have met the sports people, who offend them because of their physical strength. In this sense, these activities can lead to the minor crimes, if the people utilize their abilities for negative purposes, such as vandalism and kidnapping. Moreover, these changes can influence on the development of other types of sports. That is to say, due to the popularity of martial arts and boxing, many people interested in them. Accordingly, other types of activities, such as intellectual games are not well-developed. In this reason, prohibiting a boxing, can be beneficial for the chess and checkers. In conclusion, although some people are willing to ban some types of sports, because of their violence, others feel that this decision can lead to the negative outcomes. Personally, I believe that these exercises should not be banned, as they can benefit the health of many individuals.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in peace and quiet. In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals are keen to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
involving violence, such as kick-boxing, martial arts and bare knuckle should
be prohibited
from the mass media
as well
as from the international competitions.

It is true that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are beneficial for the well-being, if sportsmen follow the safety
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
during the training process. In this sense, security is essential for the health of athletes.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
citizens reckon to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that if these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will
be banned
from the TV, it can lead to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes, such as deterioration of the physical condition of the individuals. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its benefit for their health.
As a result
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may not do these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, if they prohibited by the authorities.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
citizens have met the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who offend them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their physical strength. In this sense, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can lead to the minor crimes, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
utilize their abilities for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
purposes, such as vandalism and kidnapping.
Moreover
, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
can influence on the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
That is
to say, due to the popularity of martial arts and boxing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
interested in them.
Accordingly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, such as intellectual games are not well-developed. In this reason, prohibiting a boxing, can be beneficial for the chess and checkers.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are willing to ban
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their violence, others feel that this decision can lead to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes.
Personally
, I believe that these exercises should not
be banned
, as they can benefit the health of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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