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Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people's health. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people's health. v. 2
Food and drinks proven systematically by scientists that bring detrimental effects on humans' health have aroused people's discussion whether it should be banned selling in stores. This essay will elaborate the argument and share my viewpoint. Advocates for stopping selling the poisonous products may argue that the availability of these things would case fatal disease to human beings. However, a harmful product is identified mostly based on its ingredients. In fact, several factors are advisable to not be added in any stages of making and preserving foods and drinks, which play an integral part in determining product's consumable levels. Therefore, instead of prohibiting any type of foods or drinks, the government should be imposing laws on manufacturing procedures included preliminary stages in farming and planting. For instance, banning using growth factors in breeding poultry by which customers would have a healthier meal by buying this quality raw chicken or duck meat. On the other hand, there has been many information based-evidence that certain products only bring negative consequences if used frequently. Hence, it is more essential to raise public awareness in attaching foods and drinks' ingredients and usage recommendation. As a result, each individual will be able to have a freedom of choice in choosing daily meals with a wide range of options with comprehensive information on each product. In conclusion, I strongly believe that any type foods and drinks significantly considered hazardous to people’s health by experts should not be permitted to sell if any banned element was added as well as no detailed ingredient was given.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Food
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
proven
systematically
by scientists that bring detrimental effects on humans' health have aroused
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's discussion whether it should
be banned
selling in stores. This essay will elaborate the argument and share my viewpoint.

Advocates for stopping selling the poisonous products may argue that the availability of these things would case fatal disease to human beings.
However
, a harmful product
is identified
mostly
based on its ingredients. In fact, several factors are advisable to not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
in any stages of making and preserving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
, which play an integral part in determining product's consumable levels.
Therefore
,
instead
of prohibiting any type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should be imposing laws on manufacturing procedures included preliminary stages in farming and planting.
For instance
, banning using growth factors in breeding poultry by which customers would have a healthier meal by buying this quality raw chicken or duck meat.

On the other hand
, there has been
Possible agreement error. The noun information seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much information", "a good deal of information".
many information
based-evidence that certain products
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
frequently
.
Hence
, it is more essential to raise public awareness in attaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and drinks' ingredients and usage recommendation.
As a result
, each individual will be able to have
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "freedom".
a freedom
of choice in choosing daily meals with a wide range of options with comprehensive information on each product.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that any type
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
significantly
considered hazardous to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s health by experts should not
be permitted
to sell if any banned element was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
as well
as no detailed ingredient was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people's health. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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