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Some People Think That Shops Should Not Be Allowed To Sell Food Or Drinks That Are Scientifically Proven To Be Bad For People’S Health. Do You Agree Or Disagree? v.3

Some People Think That Shops Should Not Be Allowed To Sell Food Or Drinks That Are Scientifically Proven To Be Bad For People’S Health. v. 3
An often debated topic is that whether the sales of unhealthy food or drinks should be banned at stores. Personally, I disagree with the idea that junk food are necessary for interdict, because I believe that there are still some benefits of them. On the one hand, I agree that unhealthy diet can cause various health problems. For example, if people eat too much food which have poor quality and nutrition, they would easily lead to the increase of obesity, diabetes and heart disease. Although these foods often contain too much fat and spices like salt and sugar, consumers are still addicted because of its attractive color and flavour. As a result, people are increasingly overweight and another consequence is that the government must pay a lot of money for hospital and medical facilities to treat for those patient. On the other hand, I suppose that unhealthy food or drinks are also important in several ways. First of all, people nowadays are fond of fast food and prepared meal rather home-cook food. They are cheap to buy and also easy to prepare, so with some people have busy life, these foods are clearly convenient for them. Secondly, many companies have been founded by the growth of fast food for many years. KFC and Coca-cola, for instance, have contributed significant part for the economy of America. With out them, we would witness the greatest declination in the world’s economy. In conclusion, while unhealthy food or drinks affect people’s health. I believe that they should not to be banned at stores.
An
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
debated topic is that whether the sales of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
or drinks should
be banned
at stores.
Personally
, I disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
are necessary for interdict,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I believe that there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits of them.

On the one hand, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
diet can cause various health problems.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
eat too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which have poor quality and nutrition, they would
easily
lead to the increase of obesity, diabetes and heart disease. Although these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
contain too much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and spices like salt and sugar, consumers are
still
addicted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its attractive color and
Possible spelling mistake. 'flavour' is British English.
flavour
.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
increasingly
overweight and another consequence is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money for hospital and medical facilities to treat for those patient.

On the other hand
, I suppose that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
or drinks are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in several ways.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays are fond of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and prepared meal
rather
home-cook
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. They are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
and
also
easy to prepare,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have busy life, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are
clearly
convenient for them.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have
been founded
by the growth of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years. KFC and Coca-cola,
for instance
, have contributed significant part for the economy of America.
This word is usually written together. Did you mean "without"?
With out
them, we would witness the greatest declination in the world’s economy.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
or drinks affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health. I believe that they should not to
be banned
at stores.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some People Think That Shops Should Not Be Allowed To Sell Food Or Drinks That Are Scientifically Proven To Be Bad For People’S Health. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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