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Society is becoming obsessed with material good like cars, designer clothes and jewellery. We have stopped carrying about the important things and that is why divorce rates are so high. To what extent do you agree or disagree. v.1

Society is becoming obsessed with material good like cars, designer clothes and jewellery. We have stopped carrying about the important things and that is why divorce rates are so high. v. 1
Undoubtedly, since the commencement of materialistic world, people tend to be fascinated by attractive things such as, cars, clothes and jewellery and neglecting that things which are required for family relationship which is the prime cause of augmentation in divorce percentage. By following, I am totally in favour of this notion due to myriad reasons. Firstly, people intend to spend more time behind their economic work to earn a large amount of money, from which they can buy material goods which are more cost effective. By which, people can not have time to behave their responsibility as a family member, in other words, they can become reckless. For example, majority of businessmen have dearth of time for their love once. Hence, they are not able to play their role as a member of family, which can leads them to worse situations. Such as, divorce and so. Secondly, more carrying for these type of things can also effect negatively. For instance, some people do not give permission to access or touch their items and if anyone go opposite way, they use to punish or hit them. Which creates violation among family, which is the reason behind the rift internally. Because passion for car and jewellery creates misunderstanding and jealousy in members. As result, they avoid doing care for each others and ascertain to live separately. In conclusion, I deem that buying goods as an amenity is not detrimental thing, but the extreme love and wish for that can be proven hazardous.
Undoubtedly
, since the commencement of materialistic world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
be fascinated
by attractive things such as, cars, clothes and
Possible spelling mistake. 'jewellery' is British English.
jewellery
and neglecting that things which
are required
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationship which is the prime cause of augmentation in divorce percentage. By following, I am
totally
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of this notion due to myriad reasons.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
intend to spend more time behind their economic work to earn a large amount of money, from which they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
material
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
which are more cost effective. By which,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can not have time to behave their responsibility as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
member,
in other words
, they can become reckless.
For example
,
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
businessmen have dearth of time for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
once.
Hence
, they are not able to play their role as a member of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, which can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "lead"
leads
them to worse situations. Such as, divorce and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.

Secondly
, more carrying for these type of things can
also
effect
negatively
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not give permission to access or touch their items and if anyone
The pronoun 'anyone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "goes", "went".
go
opposite way, they
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
punish or hit them. Which creates violation among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, which is the reason behind the rift
internally
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
passion for car and
Possible spelling mistake. 'jewellery' is British English.
jewellery
creates misunderstanding and jealousy in members. As result, they avoid doing care for each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "other"?
others
and ascertain to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
separately
.

In conclusion
, I deem that buying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
as an amenity is not detrimental thing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the extreme
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and wish for that can
be proven
hazardous.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Society is becoming obsessed with material good like cars, designer clothes and jewellery. We have stopped carrying about the important things and that is why divorce rates are so high. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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