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Some people think that science is bone for us while others think that it is bane for human beings. Discuss both sides. v.1

Some people think that science is bone for us while others think that it is bane for human beings. v. 1
Undoubtedly art has been an inherent part of the society throughout centuries. For example, visiting museums around the world is one of the ways to experience paintings, sculptures and books dated from hundreds of years ago. The Roman Empire, for example, is famous for their sculptures currently known as Classical Roman Art. Although, a large part of the population sees art as an important aspect of life, others argue that the investment does not bring worthy benefits and should be redirected to more significant areas like education and public health. I strongly disagree to this affirmation because of the following reasons. Currently art has been used not just as an entertainment, but it is present in several areas of science and social studies as an instrument to work. Taking Psychology as an example, one of its fields is called Art Therapy, whereby music, painting, acting, among other techniques is used with individuals in vulnerable circumstances to treat traumas and issues. Furthermore, art is presented also in hospitals as a method to support treatment of children, from simple cartoons to small plays, patients have demonstrated increases in their condition such as better mood, motivation and even in healthy aspect. Additionally, some countries apply art as a strategy against criminality. In Brazil many communities have created groups of music and dance to prevent adolescents participating in illegal activities. Some researchers have shown a very positive response to these methods. Nonetheless, other public services are as well as essential, for example good education can improve people’s skills and therefore contribute to countries’ development. To conclude, from the aforementioned reasons, I believe that investment in art is very important to increase life quality and improvement in society, thus, the government should continue to invest in projects in its direction without overlooking other areas in need.
Undoubtedly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
has been an inherent part of the society throughout centuries. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, visiting museums around the world is one of the ways to experience paintings, sculptures and books dated from hundreds of years ago. The Roman Empire, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
for their sculptures
currently
known as Classical Roman
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
. Although, a large part of the population
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of life, others argue that the investment does not bring worthy benefits and should
be redirected
to more significant areas like education and public health. I
strongly
disagree to this affirmation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the following reasons.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Currently
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as an entertainment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is present in several areas of science and social studies as an instrument to work. Taking Psychology as an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, one of its fields
is called
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
Therapy, whereby music, painting, acting, among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
techniques is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
with individuals in vulnerable circumstances to treat traumas and issues.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is presented
also
in hospitals as a method to support treatment of children, from simple cartoons to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
plays, patients have demonstrated increases in their condition such as better mood, motivation and even in healthy aspect.

Additionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries apply
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as a strategy against criminality. In Brazil
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
communities have created groups of music and dance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
adolescents participating in illegal activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
researchers have shown a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
response to these methods. Nonetheless,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
public services are
as well
as essential, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
therefore
contribute to countries’ development.

To conclude
, from the aforementioned reasons, I believe that investment in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to increase life quality and improvement in society,
thus
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should continue to invest in projects in its direction without overlooking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
areas in need.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay Some people think that science is bone for us while others think that it is bane for human beings. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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