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Air travel only benefits the richest people. The majority of people get no advantage from development of air travel. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Air travel only benefits the richest people. The majority of people get no advantage from development of air travel. v. 1
Nowadays, the fashion sense of people has greatly changed. In the past individuals were more attracted towards customary wearings. But, these days they are impressed by the fashionable outfits that come in a huge variety. In my opinion, it is a positive change if it is within the parameter of cultural norms. To start with, a few decades before most of the public use to wear conventional clothes. The most crucial cause of that was the unavailability of modern stitching units, so, people mostly fabricated the garments at home. Handmade dresses were considered very special and people wore those dresses at conspicuous occasions. For example, most of the people wore Salwar Kameez at Eid festivals and these outfits were marked as the identity of that particular event. However, with the passage of the time fashion industry evolves a lot, so, choices of the people also changes. Young millennials cannot compromise at their outfits as these are the visual indicators of a personal image. Therefore, youngsters are more attracted towards new fashion trends. For instance, statistics show that more than half of the customers of modern brands are youngsters and they are contributing massively in involvement of new trends. Moreover, it’s quite understandable that persons have changed their mindsets as it is the need of the hour. They have to follow a dress code according to the formality of an occasion. For example, for a job interview or an employer of a multinational company cannot wear conventional clothes in the office. Hence, adopting the new fashion is not a negative development till it remains under the umbrella of the culture. In conclusion, tradition is what we live today. Yesterday's tradition will be replaced by the today's style and similarly, today's tradition will be replaced by tomorrow's customs. We must adopt the outfits under the restrictions of the norms of that particular society in which we are living.
Nowadays, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
. In the past individuals were more attracted towards customary wearings.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, these days they
are impressed
by the fashionable outfits that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
in a huge variety. In my opinion, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
if it is within the parameter of cultural norms.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, a few decades
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
most of the public
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
wear conventional clothes. The most crucial cause of that was the unavailability of modern stitching units,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
mostly
fabricated the garments at home. Handmade dresses
were considered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
special and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wore those dresses at conspicuous occasions.
For example
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wore Salwar
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kameez
at
Possible spelling mistake found.
Eid
festivals and these outfits
were marked
as the identity of that particular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
.

However
, with the passage of the time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
industry evolves a lot,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, choices of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
. Young millennials cannot compromise at their outfits as these are the visual indicators of a personal image.
Therefore
, youngsters are more attracted towards new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
trends.
For instance
, statistics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that more than half of the customers of modern brands are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
youngsters and
they are contributing
massively
in involvement of new trends.

Moreover
, it’s quite understandable that persons have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
their mindsets as it is the need of the hour. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
follow a dress code according to the formality of an occasion.
For example
, for a job interview or an employer of a multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
cannot wear conventional clothes in the office.
Hence
, adopting the new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
is not a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development till it remains under the umbrella of the culture.

In conclusion
, tradition is what we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. Yesterday's tradition will
be replaced
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's style and
similarly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's tradition will
be replaced
by tomorrow's customs. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
adopt the outfits under the restrictions of the norms of that particular society in which we are living.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Air travel only benefits the richest people. The majority of people get no advantage from development of air travel. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
316 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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