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Some people think that schools should include extracurricular activities also, while others think that their sole purpose is to educate. Which do you agree? v.1

Some people think that schools should include extracurricular activities also, while others think that their sole purpose is to educate. Which do you agree? v. 1
It is highly debatable issue that whether schools should include other activities or not. A significant number of individuals believe that teaching institutes must have enjoyable activities. However, others do not agree and consider that their focus should be on education only. Before reaching to a conclusion, this essay will discuss both the views in following paragraphs. Extracurricular activities develop more talent in school and student interpersonal skills are improved, therefore having these activities can benefit students in many ways. Firstly, participation in sports competition build teamwork and management skills of candidate. For instance, playing sports like soccer require great coordination approach, therefore promoting students to take part in such sports can improve their management skills. Secondly, taking part in cultural activities improves their understanding with their culture and improve their knowledge on their ancestral culture. Thus, focus on these activities by schools can improve their students’ capabilities and learning towards other aspects. However, others believe that schools should do only education jobs because involving students towards other activities can distract their minds from education. Students giving more time to sports are poor in academics because their more time is consumed in games. A survey from sports association has revealed that most of the athletes leave their schooling early in teenage to pay more time to their games. In conclusion, while students learning other activities in schools can fade their interest in education, I am of the opinion that educational institute should continue involving other activities build strong social and interactive students. Hopefully in future the schools will add more activities to create more opportunities for younger generation.
It is
highly
debatable issue that whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
or not. A significant number of individuals believe that teaching institutes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have enjoyable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
However
, others do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
and consider that their focus should be on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
reaching to a conclusion, this essay will discuss both the views in following paragraphs.

Extracurricular
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activities
develop more talent in
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school
and
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student
interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
,
therefore
having these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
Firstly
, participation in
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sports
competition build teamwork and management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of candidate.
For instance
, playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
like soccer require great coordination approach,
therefore
promoting
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students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
their management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Secondly
, taking part in cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improves
their understanding with their culture and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
their knowledge on their ancestral culture.
Thus
, focus on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
capabilities and learning towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
aspects.

However
, others believe that
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schools
should do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
involving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can distract their minds from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
giving more time to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are poor in academics
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their more time
is consumed
in games. A survey from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
association has revealed that most of the athletes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their schooling early in teenage to pay more time to their games.

In conclusion
, while
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students
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can fade their interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, I am of the opinion that educational institute should continue involving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
build strong social and interactive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Hopefully
in future the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to create more opportunities for younger generation.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
42Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that schools should include extracurricular activities also, while others think that their sole purpose is to educate. Which do you agree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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