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Some people think that schools have to be more entertaining, while others think that their sole purpose is to educate. Which do you agree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v.1

Some people think that schools have to be more entertaining, while others think that their sole purpose is to educate. Which do you agree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 1
While it can be argued that fun should be part of schools more, another opinion is that schools should serve the only purpose of imparting education. I agree with the latter view because pupils are already having one day a week as for entertainment in most of the schools and they have plenty of time after school to enjoy entertaining activities. Perhaps the main reason why I am not in favor of the idea of students having more time for entertainment at schools is that most of the institutes are already providing a designated slot of entertainment - be it sports, arts, or theatre. A good illustration of this is the school from where I had studied - The Cathedral High school, where we were supposed to have bi-weekly games, arts, and theater periods; as a result, we never felt a need for extra entertainment. Further, unlike in the past, schools today tend to organize excursions more often which is good entertainment. However, the more students focus on studies in educational sectors, the more competent workforce will be produced and, in turn, the country will be prosperous. Despite these arguments, there are also some other reasons to agree with the idea of schools to stick to their only purpose (education) is that students have ample time to entertain themselves after school by being engaged in different activities such as hanging out with family or friends. In addition, they can play outdoor sports like soccer or cricket or roam around with their pets to entertain themselves; hence, there is no need for more time for entertainment in the school. Besides, in the contemporary world, pedagogical experts are adopting the methodologies to teach students in such an efficient way that the home works are being omitted from the school system; therefore, students after getting off from the school can have enough time for the entertainment. In conclusion, although numerous people are in favor of the schools to extend the entertainment span for the children, I believe students should only focus on studies at school and they can enjoy different activities after school time.
While it can
be argued
that fun should be part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
more, another opinion is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should serve the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
purpose of imparting education. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
pupils are already having one day a week as for entertainment in most of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
schools and
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to enjoy entertaining activities.

Perhaps the main reason why I am not in favor of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
having more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for entertainment at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is that most of the institutes are already providing a designated slot of entertainment
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
be it sports, arts, or
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
from where I had studied
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
The Cathedral High
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, where we
were supposed
to have bi-weekly games, arts, and theater periods;
as a result
, we never felt a need for extra entertainment.
Further
, unlike in the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
tend to organize excursions more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
entertainment.
However
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
focus on studies in educational sectors, the more competent workforce will
be produced
and, in turn, the country will be prosperous.

Despite these arguments, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other reasons to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to stick to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
purpose (education) is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have ample
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to entertain themselves after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
by
being engaged
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
activities such as hanging out with family or friends.
In addition
, they can play outdoor sports like soccer or cricket or roam around with their pets to entertain themselves;
hence
, there is no need for more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for entertainment in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Besides
, in the contemporary world, pedagogical experts are adopting the methodologies to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in such an efficient way that the home works are
being omitted
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
system;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
after getting off from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for the entertainment.

In conclusion
, although numerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are in favor of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to extend the entertainment span for the children, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on studies at
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
school and
they can enjoy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
activities after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that schools have to be more entertaining, while others think that their sole purpose is to educate. Which do you agree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
351 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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