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Some people think that schools have to be more entertaining, while others think that their sole purpose is to educate. Which do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v.4

Some people think that schools have to be more entertaining, while others think that their sole purpose is to educate. Which do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 4
It is undeniably true that the major purpose of schools is to educate pupil; however, many people argue that entertainment is quite essential in the school premises for the holistic development of students. I also advocate that extra-curricular activities play a crucial role in the physical and mental growth of a child. To begin with, physical participation in non-educational activities such as sport, drama, art enhance the cognitive skills of the children. This is because such recreation offer opportunities to the learners to interact with their peers, which helps them to comprehend their strength and weakness. For example, a recent study by the World Health Organisation found that teenagers who often participate in sports or other activities excel in their academics and social life as compared to those who are physically inactive in recreational habits. Consequently, schools ought to be more entertaining in order to develop intellectual skills among pupil. Furthermore, much emphasis on academics could lead to certain health associated problems. Unfortunately, today's parents and education structure place the huge burden in toddler's mind. In order to achieve high percentage, students usually engage in the persistent study which can isolate them from society. Owing to this separation, children may avoid the other facets of life, leading to the disinterest in study and frustration. This can further cause depression and other physiological disorder. Hence, to break the mundane of regular study, the school should have adequate resources for recreation. In conclusion, it is evident that non-educational activities provide a platform to explore to the learners to be better off in their life. In my opinion, besides academics, schools and parents should priorities the extra-curricular activities because it could help children to prevent themselves from health and social illness.
It is
undeniably
true that the major purpose of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is to educate pupil;
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that entertainment is quite essential in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
premises for the holistic development of students. I
also
advocate that extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
play a crucial role in the physical and mental growth of a child.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, physical participation in non-educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as sport, drama, art enhance the cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of the children. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
such recreation offer opportunities to the learners to interact with their peers, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to comprehend their strength and weakness.
For example
, a recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
by the World Health
Possible spelling mistake. 'Organisation' is British English.
Organisation
found that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
participate in sports or other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
excel in their academics and social life as compared to those who are
physically
inactive in recreational habits.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
ought to be more entertaining in order to develop intellectual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
among pupil.

Furthermore
, much emphasis on academics could lead to certain health associated problems. Unfortunately,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's parents and education structure place the huge burden in toddler's mind. In order to achieve high percentage, students
usually
engage in the persistent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
which can isolate them from society. Owing to this separation, children may avoid the other facets of life, leading to the disinterest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and frustration. This can
further
cause depression and other physiological disorder.
Hence
, to break the mundane of regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should have adequate resources for recreation.

In conclusion
, it is evident that non-educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
provide a platform to explore to the learners to be better off in their life. In my opinion,
besides
academics,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and parents should priorities the extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
themselves from health and social illness.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Some people think that schools have to be more entertaining, while others think that their sole purpose is to educate. Which do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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