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Some people say schools should be responsible to teach young adults to look after their health, others think this is not responsibility of schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say schools should be responsible to teach young adults to look after their health, others think this is not responsibility of schools. v. 1
Who is accountable for teaching the young generation how to be healthy and fit has become a hot topic of discussion these days. Some people perceive that schools have the responsibility to do this while others disagree. In this essay, I shall discuss why I partly agree with this viewpoint that schools should be responsible for this. There are numerous compelling reasons why I agree with this view and the prominent one is that education plays a crucial role in shaping people’s behaviour in the future as a person’s overall development occurs in their childhood. Additionally, raising teenager’s awareness of the significance of being healthy at school enables them to develop some beneficial habits that will reward them later on in the future. For instance, a recent survey conducted in Japan has revealed that nearly 80% of individuals believe what had they learnt at their early stage of life have made meaningful contributions on their career. Therefore, these advantages have a profound impact on us. However, proper guidance from the parents is also significant for youngsters because parents are the first teacher of children’s life and their behaviour and mindset could have huge impacts on their children. Take myself for example, my parents like to jog after dinner every day to stay physically active and eat healthy food in order to obtain adequate nutrition and as a result, I have a healthy lifestyle because I was influenced by my parents. As can be seen, it is the parent’s responsibility to do this as well. To sum up, people’s opinion towards whose responsibility to teach children to take care of their health is various. Take everything into consideration, I partly agree that schools have the main duty to do this.
Who is accountable for teaching the young generation how to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and fit has become a hot topic of discussion these days.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
perceive that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have the responsibility to do this while others disagree. In this essay, I shall discuss why I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this viewpoint that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should be responsible for this.

There are numerous compelling reasons why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view and the prominent one is that education plays a crucial role in shaping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in the future as a person’s
overall
development occurs in their childhood.
Additionally
, raising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
’s awareness of the significance of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
enables them to develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
beneficial habits that will reward them later on in the future.
For instance
, a recent survey conducted in Japan has revealed that
nearly
80% of individuals believe what had they
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt at
their early stage of life have made meaningful
The usual preposition for "contribution" is "to". Did you mean "contributions to"?
contributions on
their career.
Therefore
, these advantages have a profound impact on us.

However
, proper guidance from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is
also
significant for youngsters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
first
teacher of children’s life and their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and mindset could have huge impacts on their children. Take myself
for example
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
like to jog after dinner every day to stay
physically
active and eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
food in order to obtain adequate nutrition and
as a result
, I have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
was influenced
by my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
responsibility to do this
as well
.

To sum up,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s opinion towards whose responsibility to teach children to take care of their health is various. Take everything into consideration, I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have the main duty to do this.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say schools should be responsible to teach young adults to look after their health, others think this is not responsibility of schools. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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