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Some people think that schools do not do enough to teach young people about how to look after their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think that schools do not do enough to teach young people about how to look after their health. v. 2
In the contemporary era, some individuals believe that schools do not provide in depth knowledge to the students about taking care of their health. I completely agree with the given notion, relevant reasons to prove this fact are discussed in the forthcoming paragraphs with illustrations. One approach is that although schools possibly have enough subjects related to science and technology, but they do not introduce health related subjects in their curriculum. If we want to educate our students, how to remain healthy, it is necessary to include these subjects in the syllabus. This will not only teach them to remain healthy but might also help them to attain additional knowledge about the nutritional contents in the food that they consume. Furthermore, how could we expect that these educational institutes will teach healthy habits to their pupils when they sell unhygienic food in their respective canteens and this indeed has been one of the main reason of obesity in children of such institutions. Another point to consider is that school management does not include essential practical classes such as yoga and meditation. If we want our youth to be active and physically fit, then these classes can possibly play a decisive role in the overall development of the juvenile. To exemplify, a recent research carried out by an eminent psychiatrist Andrew James at Columbia University revealed that students who had yoga classes in their schools were more physically fit than the students who never attended such classes, despite this, he also mentioned that such individuals are more prone to disease as well. Moreover, regular exercise can improve cardiovascular activities of the individuals. All the above discussed assertions, let to the conclusion that, school management must prioritise health education and therefore include them in the curriculum in order to teach health benefits to the students and society.
In the contemporary era,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
do not provide in depth knowledge to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
about taking care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
notion, relevant reasons to prove this fact
are discussed
in the forthcoming paragraphs with illustrations.

One approach is that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
possibly
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
subjects related to science and technology,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they do not introduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
related subjects in their curriculum. If we want to educate our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, how to remain healthy, it is necessary to include these subjects in the syllabus. This will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
teach them to remain healthy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
might
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to attain additional knowledge about the nutritional contents in the food that they consume.
Furthermore
, how could we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
that these educational institutes will teach healthy habits to their pupils when they sell unhygienic food in their respective canteens and this
indeed
has been one of the main reason of obesity in children of such institutions.

Another point to consider is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
management does not include essential practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
such as yoga and meditation. If we want our youth to be active and
physically
fit, then these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
can
possibly
play a decisive role in the
overall
development of the juvenile. To exemplify, a recent research carried out by an eminent psychiatrist Andrew James at Columbia University revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who had yoga
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
were more
physically
fit than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who never attended such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
, despite this, he
also
mentioned that such individuals are more prone to disease
as well
.
Moreover
, regular exercise can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
cardiovascular activities of the individuals.

All the above discussed assertions,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
to the conclusion that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
Possible spelling mistake. 'prioritise' is British English.
prioritise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
education and
therefore
include them in the curriculum in order to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
benefits to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that schools do not do enough to teach young people about how to look after their health. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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