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Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about how to look after their health. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about how to look after their health. v. 1
Health plays a vital role in every person's life. Some people say that schools do not provide sufficient teaching to the young learner's about their health. This essay will discuss why I completely disagree with this proportion because it is far too draconian. It is true that no particular subject directly teaches about health. Mostly, school curriculum maximum covers the topics that are related to the health. For example, hand wash before eating the food, guiding them about the food that helps in the nourishment of the body and is rich in minerals and vitamins. Moreover, seminars, training are also provided to the students, so that they can educate themselves and can prepare their own food, if needed. In addition to it competitions also held from time to time in which children talk about the benefits of healthy food. Thus, children are taught the importance of a healthy diet in a creative way. Another way in which school teaches young learners about health is through sports activity. Children learn the benefits of sports by playing it. Also, they become more active when they indulge themselves in physical activity. For instance, the government has also implemented a new law that there is compulsion for the schools to arrange contests relating to health in every term. Apart from this, schools also provide teaching regarding sex education and body autonomy. In this way, schools are helping young people regarding health. To conclude, This essay has discussed the way in which schools are providing knowledge to the students in the best possible way, whether it is related to the nutrient value in the food or education regarding sex. In my opinion, I completely disagree with the proposition that schools are not doing much for the students to educate themselves regarding healthy food.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
plays a vital role in every person's life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
do not provide sufficient teaching to the young learner's about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. This essay will discuss why I completely disagree with this proportion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is far too
Possible incorrect capitalization. Some adjectives that are derived from proper nouns can have both an initial capital letter and an initial lower case letter. If there is a close association with the proper noun, use "Draconian".
draconian
.

It is true that no particular subject
directly
teaches about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
Mostly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum maximum covers the topics that
are related
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
For example
, hand wash
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
eating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, guiding them about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in the nourishment of the body and is rich in minerals and vitamins.
Moreover
, seminars, training are
also
provided to the students,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can educate themselves and can prepare their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, if needed.
In addition
to
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'it'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
it competitions
also
held from time to time in which children talk about the benefits of healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Thus
, children
are taught
the importance of a healthy diet
Consider replacing "in a creative way" with the adverb for "creative"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a creative way
.

Another way in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
teaches young learners about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is through sports activity. Children learn the benefits of sports by playing it.
Also
, they become more active when they indulge themselves in physical activity.
For instance
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has
also
implemented a new law that there is compulsion for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to arrange contests relating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
in every term. Apart from this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
also
provide teaching regarding sex education and body autonomy. In this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are helping young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
regarding health.

To conclude
, This essay has discussed the way in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are providing knowledge to the students in the best possible way, whether it
is related
to the nutrient value in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
or education regarding sex. In my opinion, I completely disagree with the proposition that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are not doing much for the students to educate themselves regarding healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about how to look after their health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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