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Some people think that reducing income inequality is critical to ensuring a happier society. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that reducing income inequality is critical to ensuring a happier society. v. 1
It is argued by some people that the society will be happier if income inequality is eradicated to a large extent. I completely agree with this opinion for the following reasons. To begin with, people with financial concerns remain constantly stressed. This takes a toll on both their physical and mental health. If they have a decent income, thus fewer worries for the future, they will eventually turn out to be happier overall. In India, for example, the poor make up the vast majority of the population. This means that over a billion people are subject to negative thoughts most of the time. With a few more dollars a day, all these people could cherish. In addition, criminal acts are much more common in impoverished areas. Most people revert to crime when they cannot maintain their lives in a normal way. For example, in Latin America, due to poverty, most males are recruited by drug lords or the mafia. This becomes the only option for most to survive. All this trouble would be prevented if they had better opportunities. We all need hope for the future. This is easier if we do not have money issues. Finally, all human beings need a purpose to live happily. We feel important when we work for a goal. This can range from buying a car to having a holiday in Bahamas. But, rich members of society have no such obstacles. They do not have to wait or struggle to realize such dreams. They can just get what they want. After a while, this may result in an emotional void. We all need some kind of a fight to feel important. For most, happiness is not about the reward, but about the process. In conclusion, I believe that eradicating income inequality would be beneficial for all people. This way, the poor will be able to raise their living standards, while the rich will experience the satisfaction of fighting for a goal.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that the society will be happier if income inequality
is eradicated
to a large extent. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion for the following reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with financial concerns remain
constantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
. This takes a toll on both their physical and mental health. If they have a decent income,
thus
fewer
The verb 'worry' does not normally take the preposition 'for'. Did you mean "worries about"?
worries for
the future, they will
eventually
turn out to be happier
overall
. In India,
for example
, the poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up the vast majority of the population. This means that over a billion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are subject to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
thoughts most of the time. With a few more dollars a day, all these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could cherish.

In addition
, criminal acts are much more common in impoverished areas. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
revert to crime when they cannot maintain their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
Consider replacing "in a normal way" with the adverb for "normal"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a normal way
.
For example
, in Latin America, due to poverty, most males
are recruited
by drug lords or the mafia. This becomes the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
option for most to survive. All this trouble would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
if they had better opportunities. We all need hope for the future. This is easier if we do not have money issues.

Finally
, all human beings need a purpose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
happily
. We feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
when we work for a goal. This can range from buying a car to having a holiday
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the Bahamas".
in Bahamas
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, rich members of society have no such obstacles. They do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
wait or struggle to realize such dreams. They can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
what they want. After a while, this may result in an emotional void. We all need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
If 'kind' is a classification term, 'a' is not necessary. Use "kind of". (The phrases 'kind of' and 'sort of' are informal if they mean 'to some extent'.)
kind of a
fight to feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. For most, happiness is not about the reward,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
about the process.

In conclusion
, I believe that eradicating income inequality would be beneficial for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This way, the poor will be able to raise their living standards,
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "whiles".
while
the rich will experience the satisfaction of fighting for a goal.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that reducing income inequality is critical to ensuring a happier society. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
327 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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