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Many believe that the best way to ensure a happier society is to reduce the difference in income earnings between the rich and poor. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Many believe that the best way to ensure a happier society is to reduce the difference in income earnings between the rich and poor. v. 1
The majority of people think that the decreasing of revenue, earnings between the wealthy and poor is the most effective approach to insure a happier community. I completely disagree with this opinion, and think that it is not fair to people. First of all, I believe that the reduction of income among humans do not contribute to the improvement of life. Nowadays, there are many types of jobs, which demands more physical and mental efforts and such employees have to more earn than others. For instance, one of the toughest works is miner. This type of job claims not only physical efforts, nevertheless, also requires braveries. That's why it's more important does not reduce a salary, because it can be lead to a disagreement between humans. Secondly, if income among the employees will be similar, they will start work reluctantly. Generally, humans work hardly in order to earn much money in the future, however, if they do not see that, they will not pay attention to work as expected. And people will start to think that, if I had had a chance, I would have not worked. For instance: if the doctors get as much money as the waiters, they will not treat people as needed. In conclusion, I strongly believe that, reducing of revenue is not a method of society happier and I think that another method should be chosen to improve community life.
The majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that the decreasing of revenue, earnings between the wealthy and poor is the most effective approach to insure a happier community. I completely disagree with this opinion, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I believe that the reduction of income among humans do not contribute to the improvement of life. Nowadays, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
types of jobs, which demands more physical and mental efforts and such employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
more earn than others.
For instance
, one of the toughest works is miner. This type of job claims not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
physical efforts,
nevertheless
,
also
requires
Possible spelling mistake found.
braveries
. That's why it's more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
a salary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can be lead to a disagreement between humans.

Secondly
, if income among the employees will be similar, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
reluctantly
.
Generally
, humans
The adverb 'hardly' is usually put before the verb 'work'.
work hardly
in order to earn much money in the future,
however
, if they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that, they will not pay attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
. And
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that, if I had had a chance, I would have not worked.
For instance
: if the doctors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
as much money as the waiters, they will not treat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as needed.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that, reducing of revenue is not a method of society happier and I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that another method should
be chosen
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
community life.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Many believe that the best way to ensure a happier society is to reduce the difference in income earnings between the rich and poor. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
235 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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