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Do children behave better when they are physically punished or rewarded? v.1

Do children behave better when they are physically punished or rewarded? v. 1
Children are the future of our nation and how they raised is a debatable issue. Today, a fair amount of people believe that children will behave properly when they get punished while others say the rewards are mandatory to raise self confidence in children. In my opinion, I believe that children behave more consistently when they appreciated for their work. Nowadays, a serious question arises in our society that how children need to be treated so, that they can raise properly. It is mandatory for schools as well as for parents to reward their children. It will not only motivate them, but assist then to increase self confidence. Moreover, children can Express their feelings with elder when they have a great bonding in their relationship and this relationship will get stronger when they raise their children in an appropriate manner. However, as per the research in our society majority of children get scolded and punished by their parents or teacher, which lead to decrease their motivation and self esteem. Various steps need to be taken to restrict such rude behaviour against children in our society. For example: I experienced it personally when my brother gets punished in school for not scoring high grades and at that point of time he lost his self confidence which can be raised after long duration. In conclusion, children should get an appreciation and reward for their task, if task performed by them will be not so big. Society should ban the concept of physical punishment which tend to lose self confidence and overall development of children.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are the future of our nation and how they raised is a debatable issue.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will behave
properly
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
punished while others say the rewards are mandatory to raise self
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
confidence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In my opinion, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
behave more
consistently
when they appreciated for their work.

Nowadays, a serious question arises in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
that how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to
be treated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, that they can raise
properly
. It is mandatory for schools
as well
as for parents to reward their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
motivate them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
assist then to increase self
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
confidence
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can Express their feelings with elder when they have a great bonding in their relationship and this relationship will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
stronger when they raise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Consider replacing "in an appropriate manner" with the adverb for "appropriate"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an appropriate manner
.

However
, as per the research in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
scolded and punished by their parents or teacher, which lead to decrease their motivation and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self esteem
. Various steps need to
be taken
to restrict such rude
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
For example
: I experienced it
personally
when my brother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
punished in school for not scoring high grades and at that point of time he lost his self
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
confidence
which can
be raised
after long duration.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an appreciation and reward for their task, if task performed by them will be not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Society
should ban the concept of physical punishment which tend to lose self
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
confidence
and
overall
development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Do children behave better when they are physically punished or rewarded? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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