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Some people think that qualities a person needs to become a successful in today's world cannot be learned at university To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think that qualities a person needs to become a successful in today's world cannot be learned at university v. 2
Nowadays, there is so much emphasis on the need for people to enrol in college. Although tertiary institutions create the platform for academic excellence, I somewhat agree that the charisma required for excellence cannot be acquire at the university because a person can become prosperous without education. First of all, people do not need to attend school to accomplish their goals in life if it is not in line with their aspiration. A good example is a famous celebrity i know who is rich but have never been to the university, he also said he learnt all the necessary skills at home. There is no doubt that fulfilment of ambition does not depend on going to the college. It is said that charity begins at home, so proper upbringing can equip a person with good characters that lead to success. Secondly, most companies these days place priority on experience and character and not academic knowledge, working experience are gotten outside the university which is why the qualities needed for advancement in life is not found in the four walls of the classroom. More so, a lot of skills can be learnt online, which makes learning easier. Elementary knowledge gotten at the foundation of schools can push a person far enough to meet set goals. However, there are professions that one needs to go through the university to obtain licence to practice, for instance, Doctors, lawyers to mention a few, must attend tertiary institution of learning. In conclusion, individuals who want to become successful in life need more than a university qualification to do so, virtues such as patience, respect for authority, honesty are not learnt in school but at home through, good upbringing.
Nowadays, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much emphasis on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to enrol in college. Although tertiary institutions create the platform for academic excellence, I somewhat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the charisma required for excellence cannot be
Consider using the past participle "acquired"?
acquire
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a person can become prosperous without education.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to attend school to accomplish their goals in life if it is not in line with their aspiration. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example is a
Consider using "celebrity".
famous celebrity
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
know who is rich
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
have never been to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
, he
also
said he
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt all
the necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
at home. There is no doubt that
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
of ambition does not depend on going to the college. It
is said
that charity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
at home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
proper upbringing can equip a person with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
characters that lead to success.

Secondly
, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
these days place priority on experience and character and not academic knowledge, working experience
are gotten
outside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
which is why the qualities needed for advancement in life is not found in the four walls of the classroom. More
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
can be
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
online, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
learning easier. Elementary knowledge gotten at the foundation of schools can push a person far
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
set goals.
However
, there are professions that one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to go through the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
to obtain
Possible spelling mistake. 'licence' is British English.
licence
to practice,
for instance
, Doctors, lawyers to mention a few,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
attend tertiary institution of learning.

In conclusion
, individuals who want to become successful in life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
more than a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
qualification to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, virtues such as patience, respect for authority, honesty are not
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
in school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at home through,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
upbringing.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that qualities a person needs to become a successful in today's world cannot be learned at university v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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