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Some people think that qualities a person needs to become a successful in today's world cannot be learned at university To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that qualities a person needs to become a successful in today's world cannot be learned at university v. 1
Receiving bachelor degree is crusial to get a well-paid job in our era But some people consider that professors and teachers at universities cannot teach students how to become successful in community I totally agree with this statement due to some reasons Formula of building prosperous career and private life cannot be taugh at universities, I opine Because students only learn their major subject ad read books so as to pass exams but they do not get life experience during studying Moreover, universities limit people's imagination and motivation as teachers provoke their own ideas as well as opinions which may result in youths mindset For example, Steve Jobs who was the founder of company "Apple" and one of the richest people in 2000s He droped out from the collage because he was not interested in subjects he learned despite this he continued to follow his goals In addition to this, universities require much time as a result students cannot focus on their hobbies also they do not have opportunity for fulfillment I deem this is the main factor why studying at university cannot be efficient Acoording to research led by Robert Depp the professor of harvard university a large number of successful people finished high school and even do not apply to collage explaning it by the fact that time is left less while spending time on studying But it was not hindrance for them to get what they want To conclude, I believe universities cannot lead a milestone to successful career as theit mission is to teach subjects through books
Receiving bachelor degree is
Possible spelling mistake found.
crusial
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a well-paid job in our era
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider that professors and teachers at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
cannot teach students how to become successful in community I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons

Formula of building prosperous career and private life cannot be
Possible spelling mistake found.
taugh
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
, I opine
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
learn their major subject ad read books
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
pass exams
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
life experience during studying
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
limit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's imagination and motivation as teachers provoke their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
as well
as opinions which may result in youths mindset
For example
, Steve Jobs who was the founder of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Apple
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
and one of the richest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
The article is probably missing here: "in the 2000s".
in 2000s
He
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "dropped", the past tense form of the verb 'drop'?
droped
out from the collage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he was not interested in subjects he learned despite this he continued to follow his goals

In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
require much time
as a result
students cannot focus on their hobbies
also
they do not have opportunity for fulfillment I deem this is the main factor why studying at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
cannot be efficient
Possible spelling mistake found.
Acoording
to research led by Robert Depp the professor of harvard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
finished high school and even do not apply to collage
Possible spelling mistake found.
explaning
it by the fact that time is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
less while spending time on studying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it was not hindrance for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
what they want

To conclude
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
cannot lead a milestone to successful career as
Possible spelling mistake found.
theit
mission is to teach subjects through books
0Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
13Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Some people think that qualities a person needs to become a successful in today's world cannot be learned at university v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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