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Some people think that public libraries are not necessary whereas others believe that they are essential for people. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.3

Some people think that public libraries are not necessary whereas others believe that they are essential for people. v. 3
Owing to the modern technology, it seems that public libraries have a less importance nowadays. Some people believe that public libraries are not mandatory while, others say that they are an indispensable for people. I strongly agree with the notion in favour of libraries are important. There are ample reasons which are supported in the argument. First of all, in today's global era, there are some areas where the internet, computer and smart phones are not available. Which compels the local people to access the local library. Secondly, due to a fast paced lifestyle where young people do not have sufficient time to allocate for older ones. As a result older people can get information and keep themselves busy by reading books. For instance, in the recent survey more than 50% older people do not know how to use the smart phone and the World Wide Web. So, in such cases, they only have to depend on public libraries. Thirdly, they can provide quite and peaceful atmosphere for reading a book to the people. Moreover, the library books are available in many languages not like on the internet, which offer only English language. On the other hand, those people who support an argument that libraries are no longer a necessary, they argue that in today's 21st century era where everything available on the World Wide Web by just a click. They also say that people need to type a word or the title of a topic and you can find thousands of results related to the topic. Thus, by accessing internet people can save their time and also, it is a very easy. In conclusion, I do admit that due to the World Wide Web, public libraries are less important nowadays, but considering its advantages in rural areas and benefits for older people which hold its value supreme in this modern era.
Owing to the modern technology, it seems that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
libraries have a less importance nowadays.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
libraries are not mandatory while, others say that they are an indispensable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the notion in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of libraries are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

There are ample reasons which
are supported
in the argument.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's global era, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
areas where the internet, computer and smart phones are not available.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
compels the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to access the local library.
Secondly
, due to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
paced lifestyle where young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have sufficient time to allocate for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
ones.
As a result
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
information and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves busy by reading books.
For instance
, in the recent survey more than 50%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the smart phone and the World Wide Web.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, in such cases, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
depend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
libraries.
Thirdly
, they can provide quite and peaceful atmosphere for reading a book to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Moreover
, the library books are available in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
languages not like on the internet, which offer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
English language.

On the other hand
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who support an argument that libraries are no longer a necessary, they argue that in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's 21st century era where everything available on the World Wide Web by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a click. They
also
say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to type a word or the title of a topic and you can find thousands of results related to the topic.
Thus
, by accessing internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can save their time and
also
, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easy.

In conclusion
, I do admit that due to the World Wide Web,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
libraries are less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
considering its advantages in rural areas and benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
which hold its value supreme in this modern era.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that public libraries are not necessary whereas others believe that they are essential for people. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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