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Some people think that public health within a country can be improved by government making laws regarding nutritious food. Others, however, think that health is a matter of personal choice and responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.5

Some people think that public health within a country can be improved by government making laws regarding nutritious food. Others, however, think that health is a matter of personal choice and responsibility. v. 5
Many people believe that the level of health and hygiene can improve only by the government`s monitoring such as imposing some policies related to food supply; however, others are in this opinion that personal decision and responsibility have played a vital role in this subject. In my perspective, both the government`s legislation and personal care, are necessary. On the one hand, one of the important causes of health problems is the food which people consume. If governments legislate various laws related to this issue the level of problems, which people face during their life, will increase, and life expectancy will be extended. Moreover, by improving the agricultural techniques, the mortality reduction emerges that is because better nutrition will be shared among people. To illustrate, If urban centres start to deliver clean water and remove waste, the dramatic reduction in water and nutrition will be occurring, general personal hygiene grows. So, governments can be a crucial aid for declining in mortality rate and rising in health level. On the other hand, people were given advice about what are the causes of disease and how they can prevent infectious disease by caring about personal health, so what they need is to pay attention on little easy subjects such as watching their hand, do not use others brush, and visiting a doctor in every specific period to check up. Furthermore, sports have been one of the necessary fields that decrease the risk of being sick, so provided that one has a regular daily exercise, they will not face difficulty especially when they become old. Thus, without personal-care, public health will not develop. To conclude, it is obvious that states are vital aspects to promote health-related items as well as self-attention. In my notion, both self-care and the state-care about the aspects which affect health are equally important, and these hygiene improvements can be more effective if both groups cooperate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and hygiene can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by the
The character between 'government' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "government’s" (curly apostrophe) or "government's" (straight apostrophe).
government`s
monitoring such as imposing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
policies related to food supply;
however
, others are in this opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
decision and responsibility have played a vital role in this subject. In my perspective, both the
The character between 'government' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "government’s" (curly apostrophe) or "government's" (straight apostrophe).
government`s
legislation and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
care, are necessary.

On the one hand, one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
causes of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems is the food which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consume. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
legislate various laws related to this issue the level of problems, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
face during their life, will increase, and life expectancy will
be extended
.
Moreover
, by improving the agricultural techniques, the mortality reduction emerges
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
better nutrition will
be shared
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. To illustrate, If urban
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to deliver clean water and remove waste, the dramatic reduction in water and nutrition will be occurring, general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
hygiene grows.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
can be a crucial aid for declining in mortality rate and rising in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
level.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
advice about what are the causes of disease and how they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
infectious disease by caring about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
what they need is to pay attention on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
easy subjects such as watching their hand, do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
others brush, and visiting a doctor in every specific period to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
up.
Furthermore
, sports have been one of the necessary fields that decrease the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of being sick,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
provided that one has a regular daily exercise, they will not face difficulty
especially
when they become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Thus
, without personal-care, public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
will not develop.

To conclude
, it is obvious that states are vital aspects to promote health-related items
as well
as self-attention. In my notion, both self-care and the state-care about the aspects which affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, and these hygiene improvements can be more effective if both groups cooperate.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that public health within a country can be improved by government making laws regarding nutritious food. Others, however, think that health is a matter of personal choice and responsibility. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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