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Some people think that public health within a country can be improved by government making laws regarding nutritious food. Others, however, think that health is a matter of personal choice and responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.3

Some people think that public health within a country can be improved by government making laws regarding nutritious food. Others, however, think that health is a matter of personal choice and responsibility. v. 3
It is thought by some people that advertising motivated us to purchase different products that are not required. While others think that adverts are methods for products to be known and recognized, which help to improve our lives. In my opinion, I am on par with the latter view that advertisements are very necessary and affect our lives very well; nevertheless, some drawbacks can be noticed. Firstly, advertisements and propaganda used by sales departments in companies or by sponsors in TV shows can contribute significantly to the introduction of goods, products, and services to us, which in turn, result in free opting between different options for what we need anytime and anywhere. Moreover, adverts can be the key factors influencing successful sales rates and the neediest among various services for the same products. For instance, all customers can reap many benefits of cell phone services introduced by different companies; people can know the best choice from adverts to select the most advantageous. On the other hand, some people see advertisements as a consuming material, which presents products in an unreal and shiny image, which is ambiguous to others. In addition, they believe that many adverts can misrepresent the truth behind the products and mislead people. Many people argued that these kinds of adverts considerably increase the number of lavish persons who spend too much money in an exaggerating way. And turn them. Particularly, the youngsters to valueless characters where they seek only the most modernized products. In conclusion, advertisements are markedly indispensable in society, which enable us to know what is beneficial between different pieces of stuff. But some precautions should be taken into consideration as censorship and auditing for high quality is required.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that advertising motivated us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
that are not required. While others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that adverts are methods for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
to
be known
and recognized, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. In my opinion, I am on par with the latter view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
necessary and affect our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well;
nevertheless
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks can
be noticed
.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
and propaganda
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by sales departments in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
or by sponsors in TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
can contribute
significantly
to the introduction of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, and services to us, which in turn, result in free opting between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
options for what we need anytime and anywhere.
Moreover
, adverts can be the key factors influencing successful sales rates and the neediest among various services for the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
For instance
, all customers can reap
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits of cell phone services introduced by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can know the best choice from adverts to select the most advantageous.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
as a consuming material, which presents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
in an unreal and shiny image, which is ambiguous to others.
In addition
, they believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adverts can misrepresent the truth behind the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and mislead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argued that these kinds of adverts
considerably
increase the number of lavish persons who spend too much money in an exaggerating way. And turn them.
Particularly
, the youngsters to valueless characters where they seek
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the most modernized products.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are
markedly
indispensable in society, which enable us to know what is beneficial between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
pieces of stuff.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
precautions should
be taken
into consideration as censorship and auditing for high quality
is required
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that public health within a country can be improved by government making laws regarding nutritious food. Others, however, think that health is a matter of personal choice and responsibility. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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