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Some people think that public health of a country can be improved if the government make laws regarding nutritious food but other think that it is the matter of personal choice and personal responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think that public health of a country can be improved if the government make laws regarding nutritious food but other think that it is the matter of personal choice and personal responsibility. v. 2
Although, healthy lifestyle depends upon a balanced diet, but in the present days majority of people rely on unhealthy foods. Therefore lots of persons reckon that the government should impose strict laws for providing better feed products, however the rest of masses consider that it depends on the people to eat according to their choice. In following piece of writing, I will throw light on both views along with my opinion. First of all, there are myriads of reasons for higher authority's responsibility towards making strong rules regarding nutritious diet, but the most prominent one is that, most of the restaurants, street vendors and hotels used low quality products to make cuisines, which is dangerous for the health of people. Hence, these types of products leads to human in deadly ailments such as cancer, heart problems. Therefore regime should make strict rules against it. For instance, a survey by WHO which reveals that 35% persons suffered from cancer due to overuse of junk food. Moreover, the government also impose higher taxes on products that are unhealthy for the body, by this way, people give less attention to these products, because of heavy cost. On the contrast, most of the people also opine that it is the individual's responsibility and own preference to choose the meal. Firstly, in hectic life schedule, every person has no enough time to make their own fare at home, hence they preferred to eat outside, although they know that these types of cuisines are unhealthy for them. Furthermore, the new generation also gets addicted to the junk food and they don't prefer to eat homemade dishes. For example, in last couple of years, there are lots of restaurants open in each and every city, due to the burgeoning in the demand for such products. In a nutshell, according to the arguments aforementioned above, one reach to a conclusion that the government should make strict and steady laws for providing a balanced diet to each and every citizen.
Although, healthy lifestyle depends upon a balanced diet,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in the present
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
rely on unhealthy foods.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
lots of persons reckon that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should impose strict laws for providing better feed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
,
however
the rest of masses consider that it depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to eat according to their choice. In following piece of writing, I will throw light on both views along with my opinion.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there are myriads of reasons for higher authority's responsibility towards making strong
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
regarding nutritious diet,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the most prominent one is that, most of the restaurants, street vendors and hotels
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
low quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
cuisines, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for the health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Hence
, these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
leads to human in deadly ailments such as cancer, heart problems.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
regime should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
against it.
For instance
, a survey by WHO which reveals that 35% persons suffered from cancer due to overuse of junk food.
Moreover
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
also
impose higher taxes on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
that are unhealthy for the body, by this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give less attention to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of heavy cost.

On the contrast, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
opine that it is the individual's responsibility and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
preference to choose the meal.
Firstly
, in hectic life schedule, every person has no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
fare at home,
hence
they preferred to eat outside, although they know that these types of cuisines are unhealthy for them.
Furthermore
, the new generation
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
addicted to the junk
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
food and
they don't prefer to eat homemade dishes.
For example
, in last couple of years, there are lots of restaurants open in each and every city, due to the burgeoning in the demand for such products.

In a nutshell, according to the arguments aforementioned above, one reach to a conclusion that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
strict and steady laws for providing a balanced diet to each and every citizen.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people think that public health of a country can be improved if the government make laws regarding nutritious food but other think that it is the matter of personal choice and personal responsibility. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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