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Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion v.1

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. 1
Sports always fascinate a lot of youngsters. Many people are fond of games such as athletes. Moreover, most of their free time is occupied by watching sports or playing it. However, there are some of them who dislike sports, because of the distraction created by games in their academic career. Furthermore, their too much entry in the sports decreases interest in the books. On the one hand, in teenage, they urge to get involved in sport fields, this can be by viewing or playing it. Additionally, it is very useful for their mental and physical health; this makes their mind active, confident and physically fit as well. Playing sports also teaches valuable lessons such as teamwork, discipline, goal setting, and the realities of dealing with success and failure. Professional athletes demonstrate the significance of working hard to achieve goal. This is a good example for the children to persist. On the other hand, nowadays youngsters are intensity getting into athletes because of their keen in sports career. Addition to their most of their time is occupied by playing or watching games. Since, they have lost interest in studies, it's risky for their educational career. They should acknowledge the importance of the books. Nothings is more essential than education, it is core things in personality development phase of the youngsters life's. This irrelevant behaviour toward the education sends the wrong message to toddler. All in all, athletes are never harmful for a children mindset or habits. Although, too much of access to it can affect the other side of learning like education. Conversely, this can be very effective if utilised in a right way.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
always fascinate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
youngsters.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are fond of games such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
.
Moreover
, most of their free time
is occupied
by watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
it.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them who dislike
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the distraction created by games in their academic career.
Furthermore
, their too much entry in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
decreases interest in the books.

On the one hand, in teenage, they urge to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
fields, this can be by viewing or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
it.
Additionally
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful for their mental and physical health; this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their mind active, confident and
physically
fit
as well
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
also
teaches valuable lessons such as teamwork, discipline, goal setting, and the realities of dealing with success and failure. Professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
demonstrate the significance of working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve goal. This is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example for the children to persist.

On the other hand
, nowadays youngsters are intensity getting into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their keen in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
career. Addition to their most of their time
is occupied
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
or watching games. Since, they have lost interest in studies, it's risky for their educational career. They should acknowledge the importance of the books. Nothings
You should probably use: "are" or "were".
is
more essential than education, it is core things in personality development phase of the
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "youngsters'" or "youngster's"?
youngsters
life's. This irrelevant
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
toward the education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sends
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
message to toddler.

All in all,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are never harmful for a children mindset or habits.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, too much of access to it can affect the other side of learning like education.
Conversely
, this can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
effective if
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
Consider replacing "in a right way" with the adverb for "right"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a right way
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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